Ask HN: How do you work on your mental health?
137 comments
First, the physical: sleep well, eat well, practice sports
Second, the surroundings: analyse your immediate surroundings, and what/who is causing stress. Toxic friends, too much alcohol, etc.
Third: find a higher peace-bringing meaning. Wether it is a goal, or friendship/love, or even religion.
Also: work on redundancy of your mental health. Have your 3 pillars of strength in a healthy state: work, belonging (love/friendship), hobby. If 2/3 are good, then you have the strength to work on the third. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. 100% work-driven is not healthy, and actually counter-productive! Eg if works goes bad, then you have a crushing nothing going on for you. Then good luck improving your work situation while feeling crushed. Make your mental health resilient.
I also highly recommend you seek professional helpers: sport coach, psychologist, or just talking it out with friends regularly.
Another great helper is having habits. Take the habit of scheduling a meeting with a friend once a week. Take the habit of running on Sunday evenings. Habits can be the autopilot of your mental health.
Second, the surroundings: analyse your immediate surroundings, and what/who is causing stress. Toxic friends, too much alcohol, etc.
Third: find a higher peace-bringing meaning. Wether it is a goal, or friendship/love, or even religion.
Also: work on redundancy of your mental health. Have your 3 pillars of strength in a healthy state: work, belonging (love/friendship), hobby. If 2/3 are good, then you have the strength to work on the third. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. 100% work-driven is not healthy, and actually counter-productive! Eg if works goes bad, then you have a crushing nothing going on for you. Then good luck improving your work situation while feeling crushed. Make your mental health resilient.
I also highly recommend you seek professional helpers: sport coach, psychologist, or just talking it out with friends regularly.
Another great helper is having habits. Take the habit of scheduling a meeting with a friend once a week. Take the habit of running on Sunday evenings. Habits can be the autopilot of your mental health.
Good advice, however I find myself quite struggling with the third point.
I recentyl turned fifty, with a decent career up to now: software engineer, sold a company I co-owned some time ago. My daughter spent years figthing cancer, so that was also a big part of my life in the last ten years.
Now things are better and I cannot seem to find decent interest in anything. I still love to code from time to time, but I am more in CTO or managing roles. I exercise on a regular basis, I eat quite well (vegetables a lot, fish, a little bit of meat, everything home made), I try to pursue some hobby like playing music, which I enjoy, but it is quite hard to find the time to do more than half an hour per day. I am also trying to take care of friendships as much as I can.
Despite all this I have a very hard time to find anything that motivates me, and I really wonder how I will go on in my professional life for another 10 years. Clearly I need some peace-bringing meaning, but it is very hard to find, and I do not even know how to start looking for it. So yes I think a meaning is paramount in a good mental health, but it is quite difficult to find!
I recentyl turned fifty, with a decent career up to now: software engineer, sold a company I co-owned some time ago. My daughter spent years figthing cancer, so that was also a big part of my life in the last ten years.
Now things are better and I cannot seem to find decent interest in anything. I still love to code from time to time, but I am more in CTO or managing roles. I exercise on a regular basis, I eat quite well (vegetables a lot, fish, a little bit of meat, everything home made), I try to pursue some hobby like playing music, which I enjoy, but it is quite hard to find the time to do more than half an hour per day. I am also trying to take care of friendships as much as I can.
Despite all this I have a very hard time to find anything that motivates me, and I really wonder how I will go on in my professional life for another 10 years. Clearly I need some peace-bringing meaning, but it is very hard to find, and I do not even know how to start looking for it. So yes I think a meaning is paramount in a good mental health, but it is quite difficult to find!
> Clearly I need some peace-bringing meaning, but it is very hard to find, and I do not even know how to start looking for it.
there is almost no way to say this without sounding preachy, at least to my american english ear. But. it’s true nonetheless.
that meaning? it’s in your neighbors, and you find it in direct, human service to them. There are many, many ways to serve, and one of them fits you. It doesn’t have to be some huge thing, and i’ve found that it helps not to talk about it, just do and be open to the moment.
there is almost no way to say this without sounding preachy, at least to my american english ear. But. it’s true nonetheless.
that meaning? it’s in your neighbors, and you find it in direct, human service to them. There are many, many ways to serve, and one of them fits you. It doesn’t have to be some huge thing, and i’ve found that it helps not to talk about it, just do and be open to the moment.
I would like to argue that this painful state of seeking meaning is a good thing.
For most of human history we have been stuck in a Stockholm syndrome, a cozy state of delusion, that has been perpetuated by each generation.
The more people find that old mental systems (religions, woo, etc.) are fraudulent and are confronted with this issue the higher the chances someone discovers/creates a paradigm shifting philosophy.
Many people got excited in the past two decades for something like this, yet I feel the wave has dissipated without achieving much, and many have fallen prey to charismatic charlatans.
For most of human history we have been stuck in a Stockholm syndrome, a cozy state of delusion, that has been perpetuated by each generation.
The more people find that old mental systems (religions, woo, etc.) are fraudulent and are confronted with this issue the higher the chances someone discovers/creates a paradigm shifting philosophy.
Many people got excited in the past two decades for something like this, yet I feel the wave has dissipated without achieving much, and many have fallen prey to charismatic charlatans.
The (and i mean this seriously) delightful part of your response is that it’s as old as written history.
Personally, I choose to find that reassuring.
Personally, I choose to find that reassuring.
Maybe. That is how many of humanities advancements have been realized. People being unsatisfied and believing there can be a better way, believing there can be a better explanation, etc..
Even so, I do worry about the future. I fear, for multiple reasons, that we risk entering a new kind of dark age.
The combination of the power of the internet to propagate disinformation and quackery at greater speed and scale than it is debunked. The development of language model AI's which enable at scale the hallucination of meaningless content masquerading as legitimate content.
The article here captures some of my thoughts: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=34126450
Even so, I do worry about the future. I fear, for multiple reasons, that we risk entering a new kind of dark age.
The combination of the power of the internet to propagate disinformation and quackery at greater speed and scale than it is debunked. The development of language model AI's which enable at scale the hallucination of meaningless content masquerading as legitimate content.
The article here captures some of my thoughts: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=34126450
All good advice. I especially agree with the first line as a solid foundation. As long as you don't sleep well, forget the rest. And as long as you don't exercise regularly, the regular sleep will be much harder.
One thing I'd add though is: A tidy mind. Clean up your thoughts. If there is something you don't understand or that seems inconsistent, seek understanding instead of just ignoring it. Of course you need some tradeoff, but too many people just live with constant chaos in their heads and BS-tting they way through life. By extension, your surroundings shape your thoughts. A somewhat tidied up apartment, clean kitchen sink and bathroom/toilet, fridge, desk, hard disk, inbox, those things work wonders. Doesn't have to be spotless, but chaos just distracts and creates overhead that can make you miserable.
(Obviously, some chaos sparks creativity, but there is a difference it a big box with assorted "creative" items versus not finding things on your desk because of all the crap on it.)
One thing I'd add though is: A tidy mind. Clean up your thoughts. If there is something you don't understand or that seems inconsistent, seek understanding instead of just ignoring it. Of course you need some tradeoff, but too many people just live with constant chaos in their heads and BS-tting they way through life. By extension, your surroundings shape your thoughts. A somewhat tidied up apartment, clean kitchen sink and bathroom/toilet, fridge, desk, hard disk, inbox, those things work wonders. Doesn't have to be spotless, but chaos just distracts and creates overhead that can make you miserable.
(Obviously, some chaos sparks creativity, but there is a difference it a big box with assorted "creative" items versus not finding things on your desk because of all the crap on it.)
> Also: work on redundancy of your mental health.
Wow, great idea that I've never really thought about. Right now I am mostly work with a little bit of hobby and relationships and you're absolutely right that problems at work can give a disproportionate bit of mental anguish. Thanks a ton for that insight!
Wow, great idea that I've never really thought about. Right now I am mostly work with a little bit of hobby and relationships and you're absolutely right that problems at work can give a disproportionate bit of mental anguish. Thanks a ton for that insight!
Great advice overall !
I had a rough 2020-2022 and one thing that made a difference was starting a personal writing habit with two main components:
1. Daily writing which summarizes the day and gets off my chest any minor things that are bothering me.
2. Deep dive writing focused on a particular issue that I struggled with before and is inexplicably still on my mind. (Implying that I haven't fully processed the issue)
I also started collecting stories of people who confronted difficult periods in their life. It was helpful to know that I wasn't alone and also to see that others faced much more difficult challenges than I have. I actually started a newsletter about it, shameless plug: https://hardmode.substack.com/
I'm not sure if it's mental health, but in support of mental health is proper sleep with Huberman's favorite tip: get outside early in the morning and in the evening. Getting fresh air and light in the morning just feels great.
One last key thing was paying attention to my limits. It sounds terrible but I found that I went nuts when I was spending more than x hours with my son each day (on average). So the solution was to find babysitting help so I could stay at x hours per day or less. I felt guilty because I thought x was low, but after asking a few close friends they understood and actually thought my tolerance was pretty high. So also staying anchored in the real world rather than trying to meet an imaginary expectation that only I have.
1. Daily writing which summarizes the day and gets off my chest any minor things that are bothering me.
2. Deep dive writing focused on a particular issue that I struggled with before and is inexplicably still on my mind. (Implying that I haven't fully processed the issue)
I also started collecting stories of people who confronted difficult periods in their life. It was helpful to know that I wasn't alone and also to see that others faced much more difficult challenges than I have. I actually started a newsletter about it, shameless plug: https://hardmode.substack.com/
I'm not sure if it's mental health, but in support of mental health is proper sleep with Huberman's favorite tip: get outside early in the morning and in the evening. Getting fresh air and light in the morning just feels great.
One last key thing was paying attention to my limits. It sounds terrible but I found that I went nuts when I was spending more than x hours with my son each day (on average). So the solution was to find babysitting help so I could stay at x hours per day or less. I felt guilty because I thought x was low, but after asking a few close friends they understood and actually thought my tolerance was pretty high. So also staying anchored in the real world rather than trying to meet an imaginary expectation that only I have.
Thanks for sharing. Hope you’re doing well now. Wondering where do you write daily, is it like a physical diary or digitally?
I’ve started writing of late, but I like writing on a physical diary. The only problem I’ve with physical diary is searching the entries based on a word - which I often find myself in the need of.
I’ve started writing of late, but I like writing on a physical diary. The only problem I’ve with physical diary is searching the entries based on a word - which I often find myself in the need of.
I started with a physical diary because I'm obsessed with Muji pens and enjoyed the ritual of putting pen to paper without distractions. Later on I transcribed all the old entries to a journaling app because I filled the notebook and wanted to throw it away. I still use pen and paper sometimes. It feels more "intentional" somehow.
Thanks for your honesty with the last paragraph. What was your “x hours” if you don’t mind me asking?
It would be a meaningless data point without the necessary calibration, so that's why I left it at x. Some kids can be left alone to play nicely, others require constant supervision, discipline, redirecting of their energy, etc. The folks I talked to already knew my son and had similar kids / challenges of their own.
I've struggled with depression and anxiety issues for most of my life. Two things have made a huge difference for me:
Actually identifying with my body and taking care of me (it). That's the diet, sleep, exercise combo driven by a positive body image I identify with. The by far worst years of my life (so far) were when I clung to some kind of cyberpunky mind-body dualism and treated my body as a bag of meat whose only purpose is to supply oxygen to the brain in front of a computer.
Self-acceptance. For some people this is a given, seemingly achieved without any conscious thought at all, and I'm quite envious of those people. For others this takes decades or they repress until the bitter end (suicide in one way or another).
Therapy might be helpful and seems to be the default advice for questions like these. I've been sent to a handful of psychologist appointments due to anger issues in elementary school (don't recall any of that). I tried to get mental health help around a decade ago, only got some pills that made me feel even worse (adverse effects: suicide) and couldn't get a follow-up appointment. Real therapy is hard to access because the health system intentionally keeps capacity low (it's expensive). Basically only for people unable to work any more due to mental health issues, not for people that have quality-of-life issues. The US seems to be on the other end of the spectrum from my country in this regard.
Actually identifying with my body and taking care of me (it). That's the diet, sleep, exercise combo driven by a positive body image I identify with. The by far worst years of my life (so far) were when I clung to some kind of cyberpunky mind-body dualism and treated my body as a bag of meat whose only purpose is to supply oxygen to the brain in front of a computer.
Self-acceptance. For some people this is a given, seemingly achieved without any conscious thought at all, and I'm quite envious of those people. For others this takes decades or they repress until the bitter end (suicide in one way or another).
Therapy might be helpful and seems to be the default advice for questions like these. I've been sent to a handful of psychologist appointments due to anger issues in elementary school (don't recall any of that). I tried to get mental health help around a decade ago, only got some pills that made me feel even worse (adverse effects: suicide) and couldn't get a follow-up appointment. Real therapy is hard to access because the health system intentionally keeps capacity low (it's expensive). Basically only for people unable to work any more due to mental health issues, not for people that have quality-of-life issues. The US seems to be on the other end of the spectrum from my country in this regard.
Figuring I can be a bit more open since it's a throwaway account (edit - this kinda escalated)
I lost eighty pounds in a year with that body image "trick", but that's only half the story at best. That's what I desired, but it wouldn't have been enough motivation. And if you have a severe mismatch between your body image and your body that's not going to cause good vibes, will it?
So I don't know how depression manifests for others. For me it has usually taken the shape of a particular mean intonation in my inner monologue (I don't have or hear separate voices let alone characters, I'm not a schizo). When my depression gets worse, that part of my inner monologue gets more frequent and nasty, like incredibly nasty in ways I haven't ever even thought about being to anyone in my entire life, ever, not even close. I've literally never told anyone about this and tearing up a bit now. I'm kinda at a loss how to describe it. Calling it "mean spirited" would be the most British understatement in the last few ten-thousand years. When I had really bad days it felt like "it" just wanted to destroy me, like total annihilation until nothing was left and then discard (suicide) the empty husk. Thinking about this makes me wonder how I survived those days. I'd guess without binge-watching some series and binging some video games I might actually be dead now. Not such a waste of time after all, I suppose...
So uh I don't know how exactly I've done it. And even if I knew, I wouldn't tell because it's just such an obviously bad idea. I don't think it was a conscious choice, because even to a very depressed person it would've been obvious how insane doing that would be. But what I did was I weaponized that part of me, the depression, into helping me loose weight.
When I went hungry during a day or wanted to eat more, and obviously if you loose that much weight that quickly you're going to pretty often, ... I "let" that mean part speak up and be nasty and ugly and mean to me as much as "it" wanted to. People thought I was "soooo strong-willed" doing this but that's really not true. I just bullied myself into doing it. Every day. Sure... I had a positive idea that I wanted to achieve, but that wasn't how I got there. It's probably an incredibly bad idea to do it like this and a super easy way to end up with an eating disorder or more mental health issues, but at least depression was finally good for something. And it's way better now that I don't loathe and hate what I see in the mirror any more. I can look in a mirror now and say "you look fine today" to myself. And when I put nice clothes on, because I have some of those now, even with colors, I think I look good and I've even got a few compliments and guess how often that happened in the last decade before.
I didn't know that had to get out. But well. There you have it. Does "co-opting depression to rain fire and brimstone on yourself so you stop being fat so you stop being depressed so much" count as "working on your mental health"?
I lost eighty pounds in a year with that body image "trick", but that's only half the story at best. That's what I desired, but it wouldn't have been enough motivation. And if you have a severe mismatch between your body image and your body that's not going to cause good vibes, will it?
So I don't know how depression manifests for others. For me it has usually taken the shape of a particular mean intonation in my inner monologue (I don't have or hear separate voices let alone characters, I'm not a schizo). When my depression gets worse, that part of my inner monologue gets more frequent and nasty, like incredibly nasty in ways I haven't ever even thought about being to anyone in my entire life, ever, not even close. I've literally never told anyone about this and tearing up a bit now. I'm kinda at a loss how to describe it. Calling it "mean spirited" would be the most British understatement in the last few ten-thousand years. When I had really bad days it felt like "it" just wanted to destroy me, like total annihilation until nothing was left and then discard (suicide) the empty husk. Thinking about this makes me wonder how I survived those days. I'd guess without binge-watching some series and binging some video games I might actually be dead now. Not such a waste of time after all, I suppose...
So uh I don't know how exactly I've done it. And even if I knew, I wouldn't tell because it's just such an obviously bad idea. I don't think it was a conscious choice, because even to a very depressed person it would've been obvious how insane doing that would be. But what I did was I weaponized that part of me, the depression, into helping me loose weight.
When I went hungry during a day or wanted to eat more, and obviously if you loose that much weight that quickly you're going to pretty often, ... I "let" that mean part speak up and be nasty and ugly and mean to me as much as "it" wanted to. People thought I was "soooo strong-willed" doing this but that's really not true. I just bullied myself into doing it. Every day. Sure... I had a positive idea that I wanted to achieve, but that wasn't how I got there. It's probably an incredibly bad idea to do it like this and a super easy way to end up with an eating disorder or more mental health issues, but at least depression was finally good for something. And it's way better now that I don't loathe and hate what I see in the mirror any more. I can look in a mirror now and say "you look fine today" to myself. And when I put nice clothes on, because I have some of those now, even with colors, I think I look good and I've even got a few compliments and guess how often that happened in the last decade before.
I didn't know that had to get out. But well. There you have it. Does "co-opting depression to rain fire and brimstone on yourself so you stop being fat so you stop being depressed so much" count as "working on your mental health"?
Wow, very interesting, thank you for writing all this. Hope you’re more at peace today. Human mind is complex and can be so fucked up.
What helps me is:
1. I do at least one press-up a day everyday in the morning. I normally try and do 3 sets of alternate press-ups and squats, followed by 1 minute of plank. This routine is very do-able / easy, but has led to me feeling stronger.
2. I used to do improvisation 2-3 times a week, now I have switched to Bachata/Salsa 2-3 times a week. Socialising with others while moving gives so much to you.
3. I recognise 'prison' thinking - when I'm persecuting myself I realise this and do my best to stop it and send out love to what's on my mind. Forgiveness is the best cure for anger/revenge.
4. I rarely if ever meditate/chant - but once in a while I do this and I feel good about it. Its not for me as my main thing (see point 2 and 3), but I think it can have benefits.
5. Outside of work, I have a passion project
6. I am lucky to have a loving family and girlfriend
7. I find I make nearly all the effort with my "friends". But I only see them once in a while, and actually I don't mind it. And we have a good time when we meet up.
8. I do cut out of my life people who don't respect me as a person / are mean spirited. I have no time for jerks. Good people are always welcome. Seriously I have told some of my friends who invite me to events that I won't go, if a certain person is going as I find them extremely rude and I don't want to put up with their obnoxious behaviour (plenty of people have complained about him - he's extremely snarky and likes to put others down). I actually think its healthy to set boundaries on what I will put up with.
9. I sometimes go off to an art gallery/cinema by myself - life is a journey
2. I used to do improvisation 2-3 times a week, now I have switched to Bachata/Salsa 2-3 times a week. Socialising with others while moving gives so much to you.
3. I recognise 'prison' thinking - when I'm persecuting myself I realise this and do my best to stop it and send out love to what's on my mind. Forgiveness is the best cure for anger/revenge.
4. I rarely if ever meditate/chant - but once in a while I do this and I feel good about it. Its not for me as my main thing (see point 2 and 3), but I think it can have benefits.
5. Outside of work, I have a passion project
6. I am lucky to have a loving family and girlfriend
7. I find I make nearly all the effort with my "friends". But I only see them once in a while, and actually I don't mind it. And we have a good time when we meet up.
8. I do cut out of my life people who don't respect me as a person / are mean spirited. I have no time for jerks. Good people are always welcome. Seriously I have told some of my friends who invite me to events that I won't go, if a certain person is going as I find them extremely rude and I don't want to put up with their obnoxious behaviour (plenty of people have complained about him - he's extremely snarky and likes to put others down). I actually think its healthy to set boundaries on what I will put up with.
9. I sometimes go off to an art gallery/cinema by myself - life is a journey
I would say I have good mental health. That was not always the case. A number of things have turned the tide for me.
1. I found some "active" shit I legitimately enjoyed doing: playing music, writing, walking, iyengar yoga
2. I walk a lot
3. I do yoga intensely once a week
4. I keep a journal
5. I learned how to manage my emotions from a powerful book called "The Anger Management Workbook for Men" by Aaron Karmin, and embracing it changed my life and enriched it in ways I absolutely never could have predicted
6. I have found a couple of communities that I am a part of
None of this stuff happened overnight, but the shift into the right direction started occurring a lot more quickly than I expected, and the not feeling like complete shit all the time, the extremely poor and sometimes very destructive coping mechanisms, they are a work in progress, but I am so much closer to my ideals than I could have expected in such a short time.
If I had to pick one to recommend, it would easily be the Karmin book. Best investment I've ever made.
1. I found some "active" shit I legitimately enjoyed doing: playing music, writing, walking, iyengar yoga
2. I walk a lot
3. I do yoga intensely once a week
4. I keep a journal
5. I learned how to manage my emotions from a powerful book called "The Anger Management Workbook for Men" by Aaron Karmin, and embracing it changed my life and enriched it in ways I absolutely never could have predicted
6. I have found a couple of communities that I am a part of
None of this stuff happened overnight, but the shift into the right direction started occurring a lot more quickly than I expected, and the not feeling like complete shit all the time, the extremely poor and sometimes very destructive coping mechanisms, they are a work in progress, but I am so much closer to my ideals than I could have expected in such a short time.
If I had to pick one to recommend, it would easily be the Karmin book. Best investment I've ever made.
My mental health problems are chronic, can get worse rapidly, and so far, nothing but escapism seems to fill me up in life, especially when I compare my life with that of others at my own age.
I have given up on hope many times over, today I saw a self-text from 5 years ago of me questioning if I would ever make it, and so far, I have not. I have seen a psychologist for many years, a psychiatrist, and have asked people for help.
I have nobody to blame for all of this but myself and the consequence of my own actions and decisions. I have no hope for my own future, but I wish everyone the best, and for people to know that I am the example on what not to do in life, so that future generations do not become who I currently am.
I have given up on hope many times over, today I saw a self-text from 5 years ago of me questioning if I would ever make it, and so far, I have not. I have seen a psychologist for many years, a psychiatrist, and have asked people for help.
I have nobody to blame for all of this but myself and the consequence of my own actions and decisions. I have no hope for my own future, but I wish everyone the best, and for people to know that I am the example on what not to do in life, so that future generations do not become who I currently am.
Some people have it much worse than others, and it sounds like you have it bad. You're still a person and worthy of love and capable of change. There's no magic bullet, but you can't predict the future. Keep working at it, brother.
Yes, I keep trying everyday, as I have no alternative. I've seen things go south so many times so far in life with myself to blame that I have no faith in faith or good luck anymore. As someone once told me "I've seen Prison inmates less miserable than you". I wish you the best though!
Last night I happened to watch a 'philosophical video' called "How to Be a Happy Loser | A Guide for Modern Day Untouchables" [0] that turned about pretty interesting. One of the things it discusses is that sometimes the situation you're in is partly due to bad luck. So although it's good to take some responsibility for your life, it's not really fair to blame yourself for all of it. There are a lot of other interesting video's on the channel, I would definitively check a couple of them out.
Keep in mind that one thing you have is persistence (you keep trying everyday, and you tried exercising many times).
[0] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LEPUX4eMUSw
Keep in mind that one thing you have is persistence (you keep trying everyday, and you tried exercising many times).
[0] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LEPUX4eMUSw
Whatever else is going on in your life, try to get some daily exercise (even if it’s just walking). It won’t solve your problems but it will make them a tiny bit less heavy
I've tried exercising many times, I always give up half-way. I remember reading obesity is pretty much endemic in people (and even if they do lose weight, they most probably than not regain it soon enough), so I have no hopes on that from either.
Go for a walk, just for 20 mins, walk in one direction from your place.
Then, give up and go back home :)
Listen to music, podcast, to your own mind, whatever.
Don't set a rigid schedule, like, I am going to do this every single day for the next year. Just do it today, no expectations. If nothing works you might as well do it, there is nothing you can loose.
Some days you will go and others you will not.
Then, give up and go back home :)
Listen to music, podcast, to your own mind, whatever.
Don't set a rigid schedule, like, I am going to do this every single day for the next year. Just do it today, no expectations. If nothing works you might as well do it, there is nothing you can loose.
Some days you will go and others you will not.
I have a motto, “It’s really hard to be depressed if you eat, sleep, and exercise well.” Whenever I’m struggling, I drop everything (within reason) and focus all my effort in those 3 areas. When I do that, it doesn’t take long to have the energy and clarity to deal with whatever other problems I may have in my life.
Did you watch Stutz Method?
He proposes that depressed patients work first on their bodies (eat, exercise), relationship (do not retreat from humanity. Don't be alone) and mind (diary, reflection).
That would give them back "life force" to begin working on themselves.
Make sense to me.
He proposes that depressed patients work first on their bodies (eat, exercise), relationship (do not retreat from humanity. Don't be alone) and mind (diary, reflection).
That would give them back "life force" to begin working on themselves.
Make sense to me.
Sadly it's really difficult to do all three well :(
How so? lack of motivation? lack of time?
Once you are depressed it's kinda hard to do anything. I usually tell myself that this is just temporary so don't fall into the negative trap. Once the mood improves I can start working on sleep eat and exercise. I thought about going to see therapy but 1) My depression doesn't hit too often and too hard; 2) Getting tired of long wait in medical system; 3) Not sure about employment but I need insurance for such therapy.
When you're really depressed, it's a spiral that is hard to break from. Sometimes it is almost impossible to do something like exercise. Eating can be a retreat for a moment so often you eat what you shouldn't as well.
The key thing that helped me was learning to observe by body's tension when I would get emotionally triggered - eg: nervous, anxious, angry, upset, etc. Each would cause a physical clenching, in my stomach, chest or jaw area. I have noticed others who clench their fists. I would become aware of this, relax it, and temporarily ignore the thoughts in my head. This changed my life.
Apart from this, sleeping and waking up pretty much at the same time every single day, even on the weekends, along with some form of exercise daily for 20-30 mins made a big difference.
I went from someone who was moody and volatile, to being even-minded in most circumstances.
Hope this helps.
Apart from this, sleeping and waking up pretty much at the same time every single day, even on the weekends, along with some form of exercise daily for 20-30 mins made a big difference.
I went from someone who was moody and volatile, to being even-minded in most circumstances.
Hope this helps.
1. love someone, and become their sheltering rock.
2. engage in an (intense) outdoor activity (sports, for example).
3. spend less time in front of tv (either to watch a movie, or the news, or play video game, etc). ideally, you'll spend no time at all.
4. eat and drink healthily, laugh uncontrollably.
5. do not be anxious about anything (see philippians 4, and especially ecclesiastes 12, useful if read non-religiously but with the context of the whole book in mind).
-Have several goals in life (career, family, etc.)
-Have a support system (friends, family, relatives, etc.)
-Have several hobbies
-Exercise and sports
-Travel
-Give back (charity, etc.)
-Read
-Stop eating carbs
-Take regular 30-60 sec. cold showers (shock therapy)
-Meditate
-Take regular walks
My teenage daughter and I talk a lot about mental hygiene. We compare it to dental hygiene: you do stuff everyday to reduce the need to see a dentist and improve your experience when you do.
The big things on the mental hygiene list are:
- Morning pages - https://juliacameronlive.com/basic-tools/morning-pages/ - walking - intense exercise - keeping a daily/weekly/monthly planner - cooking good food that you like - eating meals with other people - an evening shut down routine
The big things on the mental hygiene list are:
- Morning pages - https://juliacameronlive.com/basic-tools/morning-pages/ - walking - intense exercise - keeping a daily/weekly/monthly planner - cooking good food that you like - eating meals with other people - an evening shut down routine
+1 The shutdown evening routine is amazing! I usually read a book and fall asleep after just few pages and sleep through the night very deeply. Some evenings I would go back to old habit of browsing on the phone, and then the sleep quality is terrible.
BTW If you like writing and time-block planning then check out https://planist.app/ (I'm the founder)
BTW If you like writing and time-block planning then check out https://planist.app/ (I'm the founder)
Yes! This is the exact analogy that I use. Writing in a diary, even if it's a one liner, helps me to "floss away" the things that are on my mind.
I'm lucky that I probably don't have any serious disorders. For me, the usual stuff like exercise and diet. Reading physical books, often fiction. Besides that...
1. Some of my hobbies are like my work, but as hobbies, I get to do them on my own terms and timeline. And they're a way for me to divert my inevitable "screen time" away from doomscrolling.
2. One of my hobbies -- jazz musician -- is as unlike my regular work as you can imagine. This includes a completely different cast of characters, who come from all walks of life. Most are not techies.
3. I try to take charge of my physical surroundings, e.g., tidying, fixing things, making minor home improvements. I've even done touch-ups and minor repairs when I've been a renter. It also provides some hobby-like satisfaction, and occupies my hands.
1. Some of my hobbies are like my work, but as hobbies, I get to do them on my own terms and timeline. And they're a way for me to divert my inevitable "screen time" away from doomscrolling.
2. One of my hobbies -- jazz musician -- is as unlike my regular work as you can imagine. This includes a completely different cast of characters, who come from all walks of life. Most are not techies.
3. I try to take charge of my physical surroundings, e.g., tidying, fixing things, making minor home improvements. I've even done touch-ups and minor repairs when I've been a renter. It also provides some hobby-like satisfaction, and occupies my hands.
I'll start with things that really worked for me last year:
I began every day with a short daily walk in the morning. 15 minutes. It's a fairly easy goal so it's possible to stick to it, and it made a surprising difference in my mood. Got this one from this episode of the Huberman podcast [1].
Then I changed from doing hot yoga/HIIT three times a week to doing it daily at 6:30am, which requires going to bed at 10pm. This was harder to get in to, but I suffered for a couple weeks and it's now a habit.
This year, I'm continuing with the above but adding cold showers.
Note that these are all physical rather than mental improvements, but their impact on my mental health has been huge.
[1] https://youtu.be/aXvDEmo6uS4
I began every day with a short daily walk in the morning. 15 minutes. It's a fairly easy goal so it's possible to stick to it, and it made a surprising difference in my mood. Got this one from this episode of the Huberman podcast [1].
Then I changed from doing hot yoga/HIIT three times a week to doing it daily at 6:30am, which requires going to bed at 10pm. This was harder to get in to, but I suffered for a couple weeks and it's now a habit.
This year, I'm continuing with the above but adding cold showers.
Note that these are all physical rather than mental improvements, but their impact on my mental health has been huge.
[1] https://youtu.be/aXvDEmo6uS4
Daily jogging, healthy diet, and meditation make the biggest difference to me.
The biggest change I'd like to make would be to defeat my social media and entertainment addiction - not even entirely, just contain it to a 2-hour window every evening. I keep failing at that, but there were weeks/months when I was successful, and it made an enormous difference, way more than I expected.
The biggest change I'd like to make would be to defeat my social media and entertainment addiction - not even entirely, just contain it to a 2-hour window every evening. I keep failing at that, but there were weeks/months when I was successful, and it made an enormous difference, way more than I expected.
Meditation; checking in with myself; drink lots of water; focus on personal development; self-debriefs via voice memo; physical fitness; yoga; self-expression, communication and assertiveness; good diet; avoiding too many toxins: alcohol/caffeine/tobacco/processed foods; do stuff I like; always find a way; win from any position; focus on choices and responsibility not playing the fake-victim; celebrate wins, enjoy moments, have laughs; :) fitter, happier, more productive--haha last one kidding!--I'm not successful enough to be a cynic :p :) xx ;p
> self-debriefs via voice memo
Can you go into a bit more detail about this? It's not something I've heard of yet.
Can you go into a bit more detail about this? It's not something I've heard of yet.
Not OP, but you can find out more about self-debriefing here: https://oxfordmedicalsimulation.com/resources/debriefing/sel...
Also want to add: follow my heart; use my intuition and instinct--these ones are so transparent and at-home and familiar to me I sometimes forget to say them! :) -- ask for help from friendlies; you're never really alone, help's always available if you ask, especially from unexpected sources. :)
I'm interested to know a bit more about your self-debriefs. What is the format? Are you reflecting back on specific events, or is this a daily practice?
I've been using SSRIs for a number of years, though I've tried to wean off of them a number of times I (and my family) find that the anxiety ramps up too much to bear when I stop, so I keep a minimal dose.
Exercise helps; I swim 3x a week, run about the same, and will bike commute when the weather is nice. Swimming is the one that helps me the most though, not only do I get the benefit of exercise I find the concentration to maintain good form and stroke discipline is quite meditative. Signed myself up for a triathlon to give me a reason to keep the habits up.
I was only ever a social drinker but when an ultrasound during an unfortunate episode of food poisoning showed evidence of non-alcoholic fatty liver syndrome my doctor asked me to give up alcohol for health reasons. That has also helped keep an even keel too.
Exercise helps; I swim 3x a week, run about the same, and will bike commute when the weather is nice. Swimming is the one that helps me the most though, not only do I get the benefit of exercise I find the concentration to maintain good form and stroke discipline is quite meditative. Signed myself up for a triathlon to give me a reason to keep the habits up.
I was only ever a social drinker but when an ultrasound during an unfortunate episode of food poisoning showed evidence of non-alcoholic fatty liver syndrome my doctor asked me to give up alcohol for health reasons. That has also helped keep an even keel too.
There's a lot of people mentioning the usual of exercise, sleep, journalling, diet, relationships etc and they are absolutely correct. I would like to mention one thing that I seem to becoming more aware of as I get older and that is the perception of choice. It may just be me/my personality type but I feel like the number one thing that causes my mood to get dragged down nowadays is when I feel like I don't have a choice on a matter. I think this is why being in debt is so mentally crushing because, unless you're willing to risk bankruptcy, your ability to say no to things you don't want to do and take risks is massively compromised.
If you're able, stop doing things you don't want to do. If you hate your job, quit and find one you like, start your own business, or drop your hours and find a way to live with less. If you don't like whatever your exercise routine is, find something physical you do like doing (Winston Churchill used to walk and do bricklaying. Chuck Palahniuk has also taken to building field stone structures as a form of exercise). Obviously you should maintain discipline when undertaking difficult things, but try and identify situations in your life where you feel you don't have a choice and drilling down into whether that really is the case and taking all the steps you can to get your freedom back.
If you're able, stop doing things you don't want to do. If you hate your job, quit and find one you like, start your own business, or drop your hours and find a way to live with less. If you don't like whatever your exercise routine is, find something physical you do like doing (Winston Churchill used to walk and do bricklaying. Chuck Palahniuk has also taken to building field stone structures as a form of exercise). Obviously you should maintain discipline when undertaking difficult things, but try and identify situations in your life where you feel you don't have a choice and drilling down into whether that really is the case and taking all the steps you can to get your freedom back.
Things that help:
1. Take a 40 minute walk every day. 2. Workout a couple days a week. 3. Enjoy a hobby you can do every week (for me: woodworking, gaming, reading, music, cooking) 4. Do an act of service. (I help run a user group and present). 5. Sleep well.
Things that don’t help
1. Social media 2. My insomnia. 3. Being so mentally exhausted I don’t want to work out.
1. Take a 40 minute walk every day. 2. Workout a couple days a week. 3. Enjoy a hobby you can do every week (for me: woodworking, gaming, reading, music, cooking) 4. Do an act of service. (I help run a user group and present). 5. Sleep well.
Things that don’t help
1. Social media 2. My insomnia. 3. Being so mentally exhausted I don’t want to work out.
Stuff that boost my mental health:
1. Friends... Typically, when I am around friends, my happiness can increase by 1.5(measured out of 5). This is enough to put me back in the normal range. I used the term friends here loosely. Just being around people provides a lift. Easiest way to gain friends is to join a club (may I suggest chess). Being lonely is as painful as being wildly hungry or thirsty [1]
2. Exercise...Typically, I exercise for 32mins(stairclimbing) daily. Every fifty minutes of weekly exercise corresponds to a 50% drop in the odds of being depressed. [2]
3. Massages - I feel significantly better after a massage.
4. Have a schedule - Typically, I have a routine. First, I brush my teeth in the morning. This might seem simple, but it's an easy habit to form and can form the start of a habit chain [3]. By chaining habits(i.e. creating one habit directly following another), I don't use much energy to get my day going. I Brush my teeth then the rest of my day flows from there. I automatically go on my gallery workout while reading then update my expenses etc.
5. Keep Busy - “A wandering mind is an unhappy mind.” [4] This is probably the most important point. Always keep busy.
[1] - Point 14 - https://www.chestergrant.com/67-highlights-from-susan-pinker...
[2] - Point 26 - https://www.chestergrant.com/highlights-from-spark-how-exerc...
[3] - https://www.realsimple.com/work-life/life-strategies/inspira...
[4] - Read Point 53-57 - https://www.chestergrant.com/summary-altered-traits-by-danie...
1. Friends... Typically, when I am around friends, my happiness can increase by 1.5(measured out of 5). This is enough to put me back in the normal range. I used the term friends here loosely. Just being around people provides a lift. Easiest way to gain friends is to join a club (may I suggest chess). Being lonely is as painful as being wildly hungry or thirsty [1]
2. Exercise...Typically, I exercise for 32mins(stairclimbing) daily. Every fifty minutes of weekly exercise corresponds to a 50% drop in the odds of being depressed. [2]
3. Massages - I feel significantly better after a massage.
4. Have a schedule - Typically, I have a routine. First, I brush my teeth in the morning. This might seem simple, but it's an easy habit to form and can form the start of a habit chain [3]. By chaining habits(i.e. creating one habit directly following another), I don't use much energy to get my day going. I Brush my teeth then the rest of my day flows from there. I automatically go on my gallery workout while reading then update my expenses etc.
5. Keep Busy - “A wandering mind is an unhappy mind.” [4] This is probably the most important point. Always keep busy.
[1] - Point 14 - https://www.chestergrant.com/67-highlights-from-susan-pinker...
[2] - Point 26 - https://www.chestergrant.com/highlights-from-spark-how-exerc...
[3] - https://www.realsimple.com/work-life/life-strategies/inspira...
[4] - Read Point 53-57 - https://www.chestergrant.com/summary-altered-traits-by-danie...
I checked your websit and it tooks like you have read a lot of interesting books. Could you recommend a few that made the most impact for you?
Health
1. Dopamine Nation - https://www.chestergrant.com/summary-dopamine-nation-by-dr-anna-lembke
2. Obesity Code - https://www.chestergrant.com/summary-obesity-code-by-dr-jason-fung
3. Breath - https://www.chestergrant.com/summary-breath-by-james-nestor
4. Willpower Instinct - https://www.chestergrant.com/notes-the-willpower-instinct-by-kelly-mcgonigal
5. Sleep Smarter - https://www.chestergrant.com/highlights-from-sleep-smarter-by-shawn-stevenson
1. Mini-Habit - https://www.chestergrant.com/26-highlights-from-mini-habits-by-stephen-guise
2. Checklist Manifesto - https://www.chestergrant.com/highlights-from-the-checklist-manifesto-by-atul-gawande
3. The rise of superman - https://www.chestergrant.com/summary-the-rise-of-superman-by-steven-kotler
1. Traction - https://www.chestergrant.com/summary-traction-by-gabriel-weinberg-and-justin-mares
2. Contagious - https://www.chestergrant.com/contagious-by-jonah-berger
3. How to be a power connector - https://www.chestergrant.com/summary-how-to-be-a-power-connector-the-5-plus-50-plus-100-rule-by-judy-robinett
4. The mom test - https://www.chestergrant.com/summary-the-mom-test-by-rob-fitzpatrick
5. Never eat alone - https://www.chestergrant.com/never-eat-alone-by-keith-ferrazzi-with-tahl-raz
6. Hooked - https://www.chestergrant.com/summary-hooked-how-to-build-habit-forming-products-by-nir-eyalThank you so much!
Excercise, eat properly and sleep.
You won't find a better answer, no matter how you differentiate your question.
I keep a detailed daily diary in excel that has a rating system for how I feel in am and pm and any new supplements or medications I take, exercise etc. Your mind changes with whatever you do and a written record you can interrogate later is the only way to improve how you feel and see what works and what did not.
I’ve tried almost all supplements and they all have a negative effect when taken for more than a few days. Things that work for me and make me feel better- low dose testosterone replacement 35 mg x 2 per week, 50 mg prescription Viagra every night, one long run per week of 5 miles. My life is night and day different on or off this regimen. Off, the world is gray and joyless, I feel like Bilbo Baggins when he describes feeling like “too little butter over too much bread.” On this regimen, I feel joy and alive. I feel hope.
I’ve tried almost all supplements and they all have a negative effect when taken for more than a few days. Things that work for me and make me feel better- low dose testosterone replacement 35 mg x 2 per week, 50 mg prescription Viagra every night, one long run per week of 5 miles. My life is night and day different on or off this regimen. Off, the world is gray and joyless, I feel like Bilbo Baggins when he describes feeling like “too little butter over too much bread.” On this regimen, I feel joy and alive. I feel hope.
I use an app called Daylio for journaling and keeping a log of my mood and activities. It has weekly, monthly and yearly reports built-in. And it helps keeping up with my goals.
- Journaling.
- Processing emotions via creative writing. I tend to write songs, others might prefer poems or stories.
- Learning a lot about psychology. No matter how weird your issues are, most likely you'll find some helpful resources online.
- Self acceptance and self-authoring. We tend to tell ourselves pretty dumb and limiting stories about ourselves.
- Guilt free play time. Not trying to always be productive.
- Setting and enforcing boundaries in private and professional life.
- Listening to music and podcasts that resonate with me.
And of course basics like proper sleep, food, exercise, relationships. I don't watch TV, I don't use social media. That probably helps, too.
- Processing emotions via creative writing. I tend to write songs, others might prefer poems or stories.
- Learning a lot about psychology. No matter how weird your issues are, most likely you'll find some helpful resources online.
- Self acceptance and self-authoring. We tend to tell ourselves pretty dumb and limiting stories about ourselves.
- Guilt free play time. Not trying to always be productive.
- Setting and enforcing boundaries in private and professional life.
- Listening to music and podcasts that resonate with me.
And of course basics like proper sleep, food, exercise, relationships. I don't watch TV, I don't use social media. That probably helps, too.
I'm currently struggling with parenting an 18 month old child as an introvert. As a 50 year old first-time parent who had the benefit of lots of quiet alone time for literally decades, and possibly got a bit too used to it. :/
My sanity is eroding and I hit a wall every day. I also found that I don't have time anymore to keep up with technological developments like I used to, which is unfortunately eroding my value as a developer, so now I'm looking into hybrid PM/management/developer roles.
My sanity is eroding and I hit a wall every day. I also found that I don't have time anymore to keep up with technological developments like I used to, which is unfortunately eroding my value as a developer, so now I'm looking into hybrid PM/management/developer roles.
It gets easier, my 3 year old is "all grown up" now. I actually already miss the baby phase, it happened so quick.
> keep up with technological developments like I used to, which is unfortunately eroding my value as a developer
Not sure why you think this is so, there hasn't been much change in the past few years. In any case, I don't think keeping up is important for seasoned developers. So you skip a few version of React and pick up the next shiny thing that comes in a few years, I don't think it really matters.
> keep up with technological developments like I used to, which is unfortunately eroding my value as a developer
Not sure why you think this is so, there hasn't been much change in the past few years. In any case, I don't think keeping up is important for seasoned developers. So you skip a few version of React and pick up the next shiny thing that comes in a few years, I don't think it really matters.
I've been trying to learn Nix, NixOS (incl. writing my own derivations and learning Nix Flakes, which is still quite new), convert my dotfiles to a declarative Home Manager config, learn how to deploy a Nixified Phoenix app now that I learned how to nixify my web app, play with Phoenix's LiveView (which has already been out for a while), play with Elixir's Nx library for machine learning stuff, play with https://livebook.dev/ which now has ML hooks, come up with a use case for GraphQL so I can at least stick it on a resume (I understand it in principle but not in practice), make Bash saner by writing my own testing library for it which still needs polishing so it is incredibly easy to include in another bash script https://github.com/pmarreck/tinytestlib, code a Discord bot to DJ my cross-country gaming sessions with a best friend (I have one working but I need to hack on it more), learn more about ZFS and tuning it (I boot off it), stay on top of Linux developments, stay on top of Postgresql developments (perhaps investigating immutable-data/event-log schemes that play nice with it to maybe work with a security audit requirement in an app I'm responsible for)... find cool new electronica via the recommendation engines out there...
AND THAT'S JUST OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD. ;)
AND THAT'S JUST OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD. ;)
Right, I understand, and it's really really cool, but something's got to give chief. It boils down to time management and priorities I guess. Think of all the important stuff you had on your plate 10 years ago and how many are relevant now. For me personally, if I don't need it for my day job it gets lower in priority.
My partner and I recently had our second child. The biggest difference we noticed is related to our better acceptance of that child’s needs. With the first one, we always tried to look for signs of autonomy, much too early. Everything is more peaceful when we accept to let go. I’m not fixing things in the house. Every thing I give up is a liberation. Being a father more or less makes up for the self image forced and embraced update.
Yes, I already am letting go of a lot (I can't, for example, remember the last time I got my car washed), but my partner continues to take on time-ful or effort-ful things that I consider "expendably unnecessary" (such as at least half of the cleaning/sanitizing she does- despite me emphasizing that the Hygiene Hypothesis is probably real) and is stressing both of us out anyway. My office is a mess that has needed cleaning for over a year. Etc.
We probably won't be having (or able to have) a second child (not to mention that time and energy for the basic biological prerequisites here are non-existent, I have no friggin idea how other parents have a second so soon after the first) but we are probably making the mistake(s) you mentioned about your first one.
We probably won't be having (or able to have) a second child (not to mention that time and energy for the basic biological prerequisites here are non-existent, I have no friggin idea how other parents have a second so soon after the first) but we are probably making the mistake(s) you mentioned about your first one.
We had a second fairly soon after but we were in our early-mid 30s. By 50 your natural energy levels are probably much lower already. It can be grueling but they get easier in my mind every day. At 4 years old my older kid is quite independent and funny. I can just ask her to play and have a snack and go to the bathroom while I clean my office or whatever. Daycare also means you will have actual alone time.
But it is best to accept that you are a parent first now. Not an introvert, engineer, whatever other nonsense you thought you were. You’ll have more time to yourself eventually but the first two years are tough!
But it is best to accept that you are a parent first now. Not an introvert, engineer, whatever other nonsense you thought you were. You’ll have more time to yourself eventually but the first two years are tough!
> whatever other nonsense you thought you were
hah, oh man. If you only knew how (and how hard) I've tried to shove certain labels off me, only to have them almost karmically boomerang back to me, to the point where I practically screamed back to whatever powers-that-may-be, "OK, I'LL F***ING BE A CODER!" =)
(Computers and I were as much an intellectual version of "love at first sight" as can be imagined. But, like many loves, it was also burdensome for a time.)
But I will accept this ADDITIONAL first-order label of "Dad" ;)
hah, oh man. If you only knew how (and how hard) I've tried to shove certain labels off me, only to have them almost karmically boomerang back to me, to the point where I practically screamed back to whatever powers-that-may-be, "OK, I'LL F***ING BE A CODER!" =)
(Computers and I were as much an intellectual version of "love at first sight" as can be imagined. But, like many loves, it was also burdensome for a time.)
But I will accept this ADDITIONAL first-order label of "Dad" ;)
It gets better!
My youngest is now 3 and I'm slowly getting more time for myself (and to be with my wife). She goes potty on her own, she can play on her own for 15 minutes and not demand anything, and we don't worry about her climbing the shelfs or playing with knives.
It's still hard, of course, but so much better than 1 year ago.
I don't have any advice that you haven't heard a million times already, but:
1. Carve out time for yourself. Work with your partner so each of you gets 1 hour of uninterrupted time to yourselves per day.
2. Sleep when you can. If you try to be productive while tired, you will fail. Better to spend the time sleeping.
3. Be present with your partner. You're going through this together so you should go through it together. Share stories and feelings. And make sure to give an appropriate amount of hugs, kisses, and encouragement (especially if you're not feeling it).
4. Hang in there and enjoy the ride as much as you can.
5. And again, remember that it gets better!
[p.s.: Obviously this is 10x harder if you're a single-parent. I don't have that experience, so I can't offer anything except admiration and encouragement.]
My youngest is now 3 and I'm slowly getting more time for myself (and to be with my wife). She goes potty on her own, she can play on her own for 15 minutes and not demand anything, and we don't worry about her climbing the shelfs or playing with knives.
It's still hard, of course, but so much better than 1 year ago.
I don't have any advice that you haven't heard a million times already, but:
1. Carve out time for yourself. Work with your partner so each of you gets 1 hour of uninterrupted time to yourselves per day.
2. Sleep when you can. If you try to be productive while tired, you will fail. Better to spend the time sleeping.
3. Be present with your partner. You're going through this together so you should go through it together. Share stories and feelings. And make sure to give an appropriate amount of hugs, kisses, and encouragement (especially if you're not feeling it).
4. Hang in there and enjoy the ride as much as you can.
5. And again, remember that it gets better!
[p.s.: Obviously this is 10x harder if you're a single-parent. I don't have that experience, so I can't offer anything except admiration and encouragement.]
Fortunately not a single parent. Fortunately JUST got him into an excellent daycare for the weekdays at least (we had a nanny who was far more expensive and caused us quite a bit of stress). Thanks for the tips, I actually haven't gotten many because my parents either passed or moved away, her parents are far away, and until I had a kid I was surrounded mainly by childless couples.
Also, I don't know if every parent just completely forgets what the first 3 years are like (maybe the lack of sleep prevents long-term memory formation? lol) but every parent I've run into whose kids are now older than 5 seem to have completely forgotten everything about the first 3 years - for example, one of them offered my kid a whole Dorito a few months ago (choking hazard, not many teeth in yet, etc.!) and I was like WHOA WAIT A MINUTE, DON'T YOU REMEMBER?!
Also, I don't know if every parent just completely forgets what the first 3 years are like (maybe the lack of sleep prevents long-term memory formation? lol) but every parent I've run into whose kids are now older than 5 seem to have completely forgotten everything about the first 3 years - for example, one of them offered my kid a whole Dorito a few months ago (choking hazard, not many teeth in yet, etc.!) and I was like WHOA WAIT A MINUTE, DON'T YOU REMEMBER?!
I think we forget.
Almost 4 years of daily exercise. No exceptions.
Proper nutrition.
Early sleep so I am not forcibly waken up by a buzzer.
If outside exercise is not an option, at least a daily walk.
Meditation from time to time.
Zero facebook, tiktok or similar garbage.
Proper nutrition.
Early sleep so I am not forcibly waken up by a buzzer.
If outside exercise is not an option, at least a daily walk.
Meditation from time to time.
Zero facebook, tiktok or similar garbage.
I suffered ill mental health for a long time. First thing I had to do was own it. Whatever the cause, I own me and I am responsible for me.
Second thing was meditation. This allowed me some control over my own mind after a good long while.
Third thing was exercise. This allowed me a way to clear my mind, reset my emotional state and improve my health.
Fourth thing was diet. For me this meant keto. I dropped about 40 pounds in three months, and another ten pounds over the following year. My allergies went away. Chronic pains went away. My emotional state became more steady.
Final thing, find love, either romantic or in a fraternal sense. Love is life changing. Humans are a pack animal no matter how much we may believe ourselves not to be individually, and the experience of profound and deep love will forever change you. Once you have a real understanding of what it is to love and be loved, your sense of self worth, and indeed your entire identity, may shift.
Second thing was meditation. This allowed me some control over my own mind after a good long while.
Third thing was exercise. This allowed me a way to clear my mind, reset my emotional state and improve my health.
Fourth thing was diet. For me this meant keto. I dropped about 40 pounds in three months, and another ten pounds over the following year. My allergies went away. Chronic pains went away. My emotional state became more steady.
Final thing, find love, either romantic or in a fraternal sense. Love is life changing. Humans are a pack animal no matter how much we may believe ourselves not to be individually, and the experience of profound and deep love will forever change you. Once you have a real understanding of what it is to love and be loved, your sense of self worth, and indeed your entire identity, may shift.
What worked for me recently is writing the journal entry of tomorrow, today. Not sure who invented this, but it worked. It helps the mind stop running negative scenarios. It’s similar I assume to the power of written goals, just a different flavor. The more specific and realistic it is the better. Writing “today I earned a million dollars” is less powerful than “today I showed up and was a little more focused than yesterday, I listened more, and was less distracted than yesterday”.
It helps you live in the moment, less worried, less auto pilot mode, helps you stop automatic behavior (getting upset / thinking negatively), this alone helps get better results in a non-supernatural way, hence increasing the minds faith in next day’s off by one journal entry.
It helps you live in the moment, less worried, less auto pilot mode, helps you stop automatic behavior (getting upset / thinking negatively), this alone helps get better results in a non-supernatural way, hence increasing the minds faith in next day’s off by one journal entry.
I can recommend trying out the "wim hof method" - he talks quite a lot of pseudoscience woo nonsense, but the daily cold exposure and breathwork have been extremely beneficial to me.
meditation, ashwaghanda and really working on improving your sleep quality are probably also good moves.
meditation, ashwaghanda and really working on improving your sleep quality are probably also good moves.
I feel like I've done it all but the only thing that has made a difference for me is the amount of time I get to spend with friends. When I have mental stuff now I don't take it seriously, instead I treat it as a generic signal to hang out with people more.
I'd recommend starting with identifying areas of your life that you want to actively work on improving. In other words, take an hour and zoom out to look at your life as a whole, and decide which areas of your life you want to zoom back in on to actively work on.
One format for doing this is "the wheel of life". There are lots of templates and online guides, but here's one place to start:
https://scottjeffrey.com/wheel-of-life/
I recommend this because people often set goals like "I want to start going to the gym" without connecting that to some larger vision for how you actually want your life to change as a result.
One format for doing this is "the wheel of life". There are lots of templates and online guides, but here's one place to start:
https://scottjeffrey.com/wheel-of-life/
I recommend this because people often set goals like "I want to start going to the gym" without connecting that to some larger vision for how you actually want your life to change as a result.
Mental illness can have constitutional or moral causes, though constitutional causes are comparably rare in relation to moral causes, so most of us are responsible for our "mental health" as we are moral agents. By "moral causes", I mean the way we choose to live, what we choose to believe, what we reinforce through habit and so one--in short, things we can control insofar as we can control our own responses to circumstances. Classically, the path of virtue was the path to happiness because virtue is about the human good as proscribed by human nature, and while we are not guaranteed happiness in this life, we can certainly live in a manner that is worthy of a moral agent. We often either lack knowledge of what is virtuous, or we refuse to live in a virtuous way because it is uncomfortable or demanding or at odds with the sensibilities of those around us, regardless of the milieu. So we choose moral mediocrity (which can manifest as either laxity or rigorism). This is our fault. We have a duty to be virtuous, to strive for virtue. We cannot do it alone, but it is essential that this is what we choose to do. We will fail and fall along the way, but that is because we are a work in progress. Do not be discouraged. Do not fret about the vacuous commentary of others. That is just noise and distraction. Learn to suffer because without the ability to suffer, you can forget about mental health.
Having written that, I recommend learning more about what the classic texts write about virtue (a good place to start are the four cardinal virtues[0]; there are others, but Rome was not built in a day). Have a look at this list[0] of virtues and vices and create a self-assessment. The first four pages concern the four cardinal virtues and various particular species, though I think it is best to read these in light of the book linked earlier as it helps get to the essential character of each virtue.
[0] https://archive.org/details/fourcardinalvirt012953mbp
[1] http://www.sensustraditionis.org/Virtues.pdf
Having written that, I recommend learning more about what the classic texts write about virtue (a good place to start are the four cardinal virtues[0]; there are others, but Rome was not built in a day). Have a look at this list[0] of virtues and vices and create a self-assessment. The first four pages concern the four cardinal virtues and various particular species, though I think it is best to read these in light of the book linked earlier as it helps get to the essential character of each virtue.
[0] https://archive.org/details/fourcardinalvirt012953mbp
[1] http://www.sensustraditionis.org/Virtues.pdf
To exercise, I got a personal coach (virtually, it was the height of the pandemic). She was actually pretty terrible at her job, and the reason I am telling you this is that it still helped tremendously.
Part of the reason I had procrastinated (despite being objectively unable to exercise myself) was the worry I would choose someone I had no chemistry with. Well, the “worst case scenario“ happened, and it was still totally worth it. I just moved on after a few weeks.
If you are not exercising right now, get a personal coach!
Part of the reason I had procrastinated (despite being objectively unable to exercise myself) was the worry I would choose someone I had no chemistry with. Well, the “worst case scenario“ happened, and it was still totally worth it. I just moved on after a few weeks.
If you are not exercising right now, get a personal coach!
Meditation when I feel like it, in the Soto Zen style.
There seems to be a popular perception of the mind as a thing with many knobs and dials that has a tendency to get out of whack and require servicing by a qualified professional. It's really not.
There are a probably infinite number of things that can outright go wrong with a brain, resulting in an equal infinity of fascinating symptoms that are rightly in the domain of the medical profession. However, like other parts of the body of which the same can be said, those things are unlikely to be wrong you. Most "mental health" issues are not of that nature, but fall into one of two categories:
1. Suffering because something external is actually affecting you. Eg. If you're suffering mentally because you are in an abusive relationship or because you hate your job it's not fundamentally a mental health issue but something you need to straighten out in your life. If you can't you will continue to suffer in some way however much therapy you get. This can of course lead to problems of type 2.
2. Self-created (or self-exacerbated) problems. Pathological mental systems, misunderstandings of the world and your part in it, unhealthy cycles of self doubt and self torment, etc.
Problems of type 2 are very real, but they don't mean there is something wrong with you. Everybody experiences these things to some extent and learning to escape from them is part of learning to be a functioning adult. By far the most important technique to learn is letting go of things. You cannot prevent ideas from entering your mind, but whether you let them remain is ultimately up to you.
When something in your mind causes you suffering - a bad idea, an intrusive thought, a self-defeating behaviour, a necrotic value system, an unrequited love, etc - you can let go of it. Doing so is a physical act, not a mental one. It's not always easy. It can be extremely difficult, but it is always possible.
Meditation, as I see it, is physical practice at doing this. You simply sit and let go of whatever thoughts enter your mind, always returning to simple awareness of the present, your body (especially breathing and posture) and your surroundings. You cannot stop the thoughts entering your mind. They will continue. That is right. You are practising letting go of them when they do.
What you learn from this is that retaining thoughts is optional. You only need to pay any attention to the ones that do you some good. The physical ability to let go of the others is one of the most important skills you can acquire. It's worth practising.
There seems to be a popular perception of the mind as a thing with many knobs and dials that has a tendency to get out of whack and require servicing by a qualified professional. It's really not.
There are a probably infinite number of things that can outright go wrong with a brain, resulting in an equal infinity of fascinating symptoms that are rightly in the domain of the medical profession. However, like other parts of the body of which the same can be said, those things are unlikely to be wrong you. Most "mental health" issues are not of that nature, but fall into one of two categories:
1. Suffering because something external is actually affecting you. Eg. If you're suffering mentally because you are in an abusive relationship or because you hate your job it's not fundamentally a mental health issue but something you need to straighten out in your life. If you can't you will continue to suffer in some way however much therapy you get. This can of course lead to problems of type 2.
2. Self-created (or self-exacerbated) problems. Pathological mental systems, misunderstandings of the world and your part in it, unhealthy cycles of self doubt and self torment, etc.
Problems of type 2 are very real, but they don't mean there is something wrong with you. Everybody experiences these things to some extent and learning to escape from them is part of learning to be a functioning adult. By far the most important technique to learn is letting go of things. You cannot prevent ideas from entering your mind, but whether you let them remain is ultimately up to you.
When something in your mind causes you suffering - a bad idea, an intrusive thought, a self-defeating behaviour, a necrotic value system, an unrequited love, etc - you can let go of it. Doing so is a physical act, not a mental one. It's not always easy. It can be extremely difficult, but it is always possible.
Meditation, as I see it, is physical practice at doing this. You simply sit and let go of whatever thoughts enter your mind, always returning to simple awareness of the present, your body (especially breathing and posture) and your surroundings. You cannot stop the thoughts entering your mind. They will continue. That is right. You are practising letting go of them when they do.
What you learn from this is that retaining thoughts is optional. You only need to pay any attention to the ones that do you some good. The physical ability to let go of the others is one of the most important skills you can acquire. It's worth practising.
I'm building a virtual pet that couples a daily check-in routine with gamification techniques. It's goal is to help me be excited to journal, self-reflect, and track where I'm at with my mental/emotional regulation.
I tend to go through periods where I do a little too well with everything, take on too much, get overwhelmed, then fall down for a bit before I decide I have the ability to care again. The best thing I can do for my mental health is be more consistent and mindful such that I grow continuously rather than follow boom/bust cycles.
So, I'm building that to help! :)
Other than that, everything else everyone is saying is good. Exercise, diet, companionship, self-awareness. I've just never found lack of familiarity of the good things to be the limiting factor. For me, it's always just about convincing myself I can do it, and it's worth doing continually, whenever I fall off the wagon. My own brain is its own worst enemy that loves to overthink things rather than stick to what's clearly working. Then, I do the things, and all the fears melt away, confidence appears in bounds, motivation grows with the confidence, and we're back in the race called life.
I tend to go through periods where I do a little too well with everything, take on too much, get overwhelmed, then fall down for a bit before I decide I have the ability to care again. The best thing I can do for my mental health is be more consistent and mindful such that I grow continuously rather than follow boom/bust cycles.
So, I'm building that to help! :)
Other than that, everything else everyone is saying is good. Exercise, diet, companionship, self-awareness. I've just never found lack of familiarity of the good things to be the limiting factor. For me, it's always just about convincing myself I can do it, and it's worth doing continually, whenever I fall off the wagon. My own brain is its own worst enemy that loves to overthink things rather than stick to what's clearly working. Then, I do the things, and all the fears melt away, confidence appears in bounds, motivation grows with the confidence, and we're back in the race called life.
I set a timer for 45 minutes and do activities. That includes drawing an image from a reference on a piece of paper. Reading a book. Sitting and doing nothing for 45 mins. Going out for a run or walk. Writing about something. If the timer rings, I let the pencil fall, no excuses to not stop, no excuses to not start. No judgement of the outcome at all. I never share what I produce, it is simply for me to get my mind off of things.
Hey,
I have struggled with loss of motivation many times. I worked in boring medium to big sized companies to the point where I felt I had done it all, knew it all, wasn’t excited, wasn’t learning anything new.
I think a lot about what Francis Ford Coppola said about Apocalypse Now, which was an awful nightmare movie to shoot. He said he was glad he did it because he learned so much from it.
If you aren’t learning a lot, something is wrong.
Honestly, my experience was that if I stopped learning I could feel myself begin to deteriorate mentally. The boredom and lack of stimulation if it has years to work on you will destroy you. You just lost your dynamism and vitality.
My solution was to take on more risks.
You sound like you have eliminated all risk from your life. That is the natural thing to do, everyone wants to be risk free. The problem is it kills you:
Where is the excitement, the fire under your ass. If you carve out this lovely cozy little niche where you can never lose. It is the most natural thing to do.
But once you remove all risk, you start to die.
You have to bring risk back into your life. Maybe not 50-90%. But 10-15% risk.
There must be some risk or you won’t find any meaning.
I have struggled with loss of motivation many times. I worked in boring medium to big sized companies to the point where I felt I had done it all, knew it all, wasn’t excited, wasn’t learning anything new.
I think a lot about what Francis Ford Coppola said about Apocalypse Now, which was an awful nightmare movie to shoot. He said he was glad he did it because he learned so much from it.
If you aren’t learning a lot, something is wrong.
Honestly, my experience was that if I stopped learning I could feel myself begin to deteriorate mentally. The boredom and lack of stimulation if it has years to work on you will destroy you. You just lost your dynamism and vitality.
My solution was to take on more risks.
You sound like you have eliminated all risk from your life. That is the natural thing to do, everyone wants to be risk free. The problem is it kills you:
Where is the excitement, the fire under your ass. If you carve out this lovely cozy little niche where you can never lose. It is the most natural thing to do.
But once you remove all risk, you start to die.
You have to bring risk back into your life. Maybe not 50-90%. But 10-15% risk.
There must be some risk or you won’t find any meaning.
I try to change “scenery” in a way that lets my mind wander.
As a background, I am a software engineer, firefighter, have had tons of grief (in my emergency role, as well as personal life), moderately manage ADHD, and am prone to “thought spirals.”
When the shingles come back, you know it’s been a bad few months.
So - rather than leave work in software to game or such, I paint. Oil paint. My own or masterwork copies. I get lost in art history. I “let” the spiral happen when it needs to happen.
I know I should also exercise more. We all should.
But mostly - painting, crochet, jigsaw puzzles, wood working, my therapist, learning abt philosophy, and pretending to exercise all seem to keep me going.
But I won’t lie. There are improvements to be made. Entire months where a belief that if I walk off the face of the earth, I will let those around me down … sometimes is all that keeps me going. My biggest triggers are money (i dont have much) and what others “must” think of me.
Iterate. Note what worked. What didn’t and note that you woke up today so there is something that worked. Even if it was “stayed in bed and played minecraft all day.”
As a background, I am a software engineer, firefighter, have had tons of grief (in my emergency role, as well as personal life), moderately manage ADHD, and am prone to “thought spirals.”
When the shingles come back, you know it’s been a bad few months.
So - rather than leave work in software to game or such, I paint. Oil paint. My own or masterwork copies. I get lost in art history. I “let” the spiral happen when it needs to happen.
I know I should also exercise more. We all should.
But mostly - painting, crochet, jigsaw puzzles, wood working, my therapist, learning abt philosophy, and pretending to exercise all seem to keep me going.
But I won’t lie. There are improvements to be made. Entire months where a belief that if I walk off the face of the earth, I will let those around me down … sometimes is all that keeps me going. My biggest triggers are money (i dont have much) and what others “must” think of me.
Iterate. Note what worked. What didn’t and note that you woke up today so there is something that worked. Even if it was “stayed in bed and played minecraft all day.”
I see the usual exercise and other self improvement activities listed which are all good for your physical and mental health. What I see is among the self improvement and tasks most forget to take time to enjoy the day or reward themselves, this mostly comes as an afterthought or compensation for some heavy task done.
I would suggest to add this to your list of tasks and make sure you take a certain amount of time everyday to indulge in any activity that brings you pleasure or makes you happy. This is often neglected, so make this a priority equal to the other things. Make sure you don't miss out on this more than a few days. This may be listening to music which you enjoy, watching some funny show, enjoy some great food on some days, if you enjoy trekking or other physical activity ; just make sure you make time in your schedule to indulge in something that makes you feel happy or satisfied.
I would suggest to add this to your list of tasks and make sure you take a certain amount of time everyday to indulge in any activity that brings you pleasure or makes you happy. This is often neglected, so make this a priority equal to the other things. Make sure you don't miss out on this more than a few days. This may be listening to music which you enjoy, watching some funny show, enjoy some great food on some days, if you enjoy trekking or other physical activity ; just make sure you make time in your schedule to indulge in something that makes you feel happy or satisfied.
Every day I..
1. Run
2. Think about my death
3. Try to eat only food grown in the ground.
I am not alone in doing [2], in fact I found out its a national tradition in Bhutan: https://medium.com/the-ascent/in-bhutan-people-think-about-d... - it sounds strange and I am not I recommending it to everyone, but it's totally changed my mindset on life and dissolved my depression and anxiety. I find when I focus my thoughts on the fact that I will die, and I have no idea when that will be, I feel a profound deep feeling of gratitude. The small trivial things don't matter anymore.
Two the biggest dysfunctions we have in western society are worship of youth and an irrational fear of death, to the point we don't feel comfortable to speak about it. We would rather pretend it does not exist and happens to other people.
1. Run
2. Think about my death
3. Try to eat only food grown in the ground.
I am not alone in doing [2], in fact I found out its a national tradition in Bhutan: https://medium.com/the-ascent/in-bhutan-people-think-about-d... - it sounds strange and I am not I recommending it to everyone, but it's totally changed my mindset on life and dissolved my depression and anxiety. I find when I focus my thoughts on the fact that I will die, and I have no idea when that will be, I feel a profound deep feeling of gratitude. The small trivial things don't matter anymore.
Two the biggest dysfunctions we have in western society are worship of youth and an irrational fear of death, to the point we don't feel comfortable to speak about it. We would rather pretend it does not exist and happens to other people.
I've recently realized that my mind is made up of multiple unconscious minds that work together in hierarchies with various priorities. These minds are constantly sending conflicting decisions to my conscious mind in an effort to help me survive and reproduce. It can be frustrating because occasionally I want to be productive, but other times I just want to relax and watch TV. I've found that the best way to manage this is to acknowledge and give voice to all of these unconscious minds, rather than ignoring or suppressing them. Creating a schedule that aligns with my different priorities and capabilities can help me to balance the conflicting desires of my unconscious minds.
AFAIK Buddishm offers another way and promises that eventually these minds simply disappear, but it essentially means that the sense of "me" vanishes. It's very difficult to achieve it, though.
AFAIK Buddishm offers another way and promises that eventually these minds simply disappear, but it essentially means that the sense of "me" vanishes. It's very difficult to achieve it, though.
Not mentioned so far: Paying attention to dreams recalled from sleep. In order to remember them, a journal and pen by the bedside is necessary, as the dreams get forgotten within minutes.
A simple DIY technique for working with dreams is to take different images in a dream and write about the image in the form "I am <image>, I <attribute or aspect of the image>. For example if I dream of an open window "I am an open window". I allow things from the outside to affect me. When it's stormy outside, I need to close. I am a window, people can see into me, whether I like it or not." (Keep going for multiple iterations.) There is a 'tingle test', where the meaning of the dream, when spoken or written, produces some kind of wordless aha. Most dreams have multiple layers of meaning, so don't stop the first time you get a tingle.
A simple DIY technique for working with dreams is to take different images in a dream and write about the image in the form "I am <image>, I <attribute or aspect of the image>. For example if I dream of an open window "I am an open window". I allow things from the outside to affect me. When it's stormy outside, I need to close. I am a window, people can see into me, whether I like it or not." (Keep going for multiple iterations.) There is a 'tingle test', where the meaning of the dream, when spoken or written, produces some kind of wordless aha. Most dreams have multiple layers of meaning, so don't stop the first time you get a tingle.
There are many things one can do, while I don’t manage mental health, I find exercise to be extremely helpful in maintaining an even temperament. Even if if it is just a daily walk. I also find engaging in hobbies, sports, music etc brings balance to an otherwise crazy routine.
However, I believe, the ultimate answer to mental health is about turning inwards and understanding who you are. Being able to differentiate between what the mind is creating for you and your real self. Understanding all things worldly are utter nonsense, be it relationships or friendships or religion, and then accepting them for what they are.
It is simple, but hard to do for most. Teachings from Osho may help get started. There is also a book called ‘Direct Truth’ that may help get started on this journey.
However, I believe, the ultimate answer to mental health is about turning inwards and understanding who you are. Being able to differentiate between what the mind is creating for you and your real self. Understanding all things worldly are utter nonsense, be it relationships or friendships or religion, and then accepting them for what they are.
It is simple, but hard to do for most. Teachings from Osho may help get started. There is also a book called ‘Direct Truth’ that may help get started on this journey.
Routine, prayer, spending time with family, healthy diet and exercise, and objectively admirable accomplishments built from years of hard work.
I like positive affirmations. My wife and I did something similar years ago when we were starting out and it was beneficial. It's similar to the idea of periodically sketching out your short, medium, and long-term goals. When you have a target in mind it helps you make micro-decisions which make the goal more attainable.
For similar reasons I don't like the idea of using reminders to quit smoking. I suppose the best method is the one that works for you, but I find the most effective way to undo bad habits is cold turkey, along with maybe changing your surroundings, removing the context for the bad behavior.
I like positive affirmations. My wife and I did something similar years ago when we were starting out and it was beneficial. It's similar to the idea of periodically sketching out your short, medium, and long-term goals. When you have a target in mind it helps you make micro-decisions which make the goal more attainable.
For similar reasons I don't like the idea of using reminders to quit smoking. I suppose the best method is the one that works for you, but I find the most effective way to undo bad habits is cold turkey, along with maybe changing your surroundings, removing the context for the bad behavior.
Talking to a therapist can be very helpful in my experience. May need to shop around, since your success will depend on finding the right therapist, but it can be incredibly worth it.
Beyond that, keeping your body healthy through eating well and exercising regularly does wonders.
Beyond that, keeping your body healthy through eating well and exercising regularly does wonders.
> May need to shop around
This is the one piece of friction that has prevented me from using a therapist. From people I know who use therapists, it seems like it takes months before they form a judgement of whether the therapy is having an impact or not, and by then they've spent thousands of dollars and dozens of hours. How do you possibly know based on an initial meeting when shopping around?
This is the one piece of friction that has prevented me from using a therapist. From people I know who use therapists, it seems like it takes months before they form a judgement of whether the therapy is having an impact or not, and by then they've spent thousands of dollars and dozens of hours. How do you possibly know based on an initial meeting when shopping around?
First off, I would caution anyone about doing positive affirmations, or even forced journaling exercises (e.g. gratitude journaling). These exercises are incongruent with how one see's oneself; people who are already grateful or have health self-esteem don't need to do these exercises, and those don't have them and are trying to force it on themselves only see it as a lie (subconsciously). You can't really lie to yourself and will it into existence, and it usually only serves to point out the gap between where you feel you are (e.g. low self-esteem, bad, etc) and where you want to be. That's a hard way to start.
A better place to start is to understand how your undesired behaviors ("bad habits") are serving a purpose for you, and then through that awareness build a substitute habit or coping strategy. For example, you don't have a "video game addiction"; you have a coping strategy that worked well to buffet you against the pangs of failure as you struggled in high school. The reason failure hurt so much is that your parents only conditionally showed affection toward you based on your academic success, so you never learned how to unconditionally love yourself. As an adult with a job and a family, this coping strategy is maladaptive, but is the "best" way you subconsciously feel you can deal with the feelings that continue to well up.
Two books are How We Change [0] and Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents [1], although I'd recommend the former book much more to start with.
Side note: if you're picking books to read, make sure to avoid books with a big photo of the author on the cover. That's almost a sure sign of a useless personal growth book.
[0] https://www.harpercollins.com/products/how-we-change-ross-el...
[1] https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23129659-adult-children-...
A better place to start is to understand how your undesired behaviors ("bad habits") are serving a purpose for you, and then through that awareness build a substitute habit or coping strategy. For example, you don't have a "video game addiction"; you have a coping strategy that worked well to buffet you against the pangs of failure as you struggled in high school. The reason failure hurt so much is that your parents only conditionally showed affection toward you based on your academic success, so you never learned how to unconditionally love yourself. As an adult with a job and a family, this coping strategy is maladaptive, but is the "best" way you subconsciously feel you can deal with the feelings that continue to well up.
Two books are How We Change [0] and Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents [1], although I'd recommend the former book much more to start with.
Side note: if you're picking books to read, make sure to avoid books with a big photo of the author on the cover. That's almost a sure sign of a useless personal growth book.
[0] https://www.harpercollins.com/products/how-we-change-ross-el...
[1] https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23129659-adult-children-...
I respectfully but wholeheartedly disagree with your “caution” against gratitude journaling.
Saying that people who are already grateful don’t need to do this is like saying that people who are already fit don’t need to exercise.
People who aren’t fit can do exercise to get fitter, people who are already fit can do exercise to maintain that fitness. I think the same goes for being grateful and practicing gratitude.
Saying that people who are already grateful don’t need to do this is like saying that people who are already fit don’t need to exercise.
People who aren’t fit can do exercise to get fitter, people who are already fit can do exercise to maintain that fitness. I think the same goes for being grateful and practicing gratitude.
Perhaps we have different anecdata, but I think gratitude journaling may work better indeed for people who aren't truly depressed. In my own case and the few coworkers I unfortunately recommended gratitude journaling to (who were, like me, quite depressed), it was basically a wrote exercise, in one ear and out the other. Forced journaling just becomes a chore like any other, and it is one in which people spend time "in their head", which is exactly the opposite of what people with depression need to do.
In my case (and in the cases of the aforementioned coworkers), a much more useful activity is to participate in some low-key social activity where people see and accept you. It is so much easier to "bask" in the very minute friendship affection shown by others than to try to think and affirm one's way out of depression by merely writing stuff down in a journal. Anything from rock climbing to amateur basketball to even stand up comedy (one extremely brave depressed friend of mine did this, not me! still scary...), one can take part in letting other people help regulate one's emotions; attempting to DIY this via affirmations and journaling for someone with chronic depression is not a fruitful endeavor.
In my case (and in the cases of the aforementioned coworkers), a much more useful activity is to participate in some low-key social activity where people see and accept you. It is so much easier to "bask" in the very minute friendship affection shown by others than to try to think and affirm one's way out of depression by merely writing stuff down in a journal. Anything from rock climbing to amateur basketball to even stand up comedy (one extremely brave depressed friend of mine did this, not me! still scary...), one can take part in letting other people help regulate one's emotions; attempting to DIY this via affirmations and journaling for someone with chronic depression is not a fruitful endeavor.
Therapy, exercise, eating well, working on things that are fulfilling (in my free time)
FWIW, I wrote up some of my experiences here: https://twitter.com/theshawwn/status/1392213804684038150?cxt...
The key thing was for me to get my butt into a doctor's office. Prozac turned my life around.
In hindsight I got extremely lucky -- I've heard many horror stories about other drugs. But it's hard to overstate how much of an impact it had, which made me question the effectiveness of everything I'd tried to that point.
The key thing was for me to get my butt into a doctor's office. Prozac turned my life around.
In hindsight I got extremely lucky -- I've heard many horror stories about other drugs. But it's hard to overstate how much of an impact it had, which made me question the effectiveness of everything I'd tried to that point.
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Whether these answers are helpful to people will depend on if they have particular mental health issues.
In my case, the most commonly recommended actions - exercise and meditation - trigger my health anxiety and OCD. Courses of CBT (cognitive/behavioral therapy and ERP (exposure and response prevention) have been much more productive.
Which is to say, we're all working on our own difficulty levels, and if the basic maintenance isn't working for you, don't hesitate to reach out to the specialists!
In my case, the most commonly recommended actions - exercise and meditation - trigger my health anxiety and OCD. Courses of CBT (cognitive/behavioral therapy and ERP (exposure and response prevention) have been much more productive.
Which is to say, we're all working on our own difficulty levels, and if the basic maintenance isn't working for you, don't hesitate to reach out to the specialists!
I have always been involved with lifting weights (4 times a week) and running 10km twice a week. This is pretty intense, I know, but I gravitate to it based on burning cortisol from anxiety and the calming effect it has afterwards. It didn’t stop a full blown two week anxiety episode six months ago but I added therapy and keeping a journal. This helps focus me but nothing is a cure..it’s just a lifestyle to find temporary balance.
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when brain is tired go make meat tired too.
I seem to get a lot of benefits from power training combined with cardio, cardio on itself doesn't seem to give me equally strong mental health benefits.
Every damn day I try to be mindful of my state of mind.
I will exercise, do breathing exercises, talk through things, write, make arrangements to sleep more the following night, or just call it a day before it even really starts. Sometimes I don’t have the luxury to end early or run, but I will then try to do a little meta reflection about the situation and assess what needs improvement and or can be done on the spot to cope.
I will exercise, do breathing exercises, talk through things, write, make arrangements to sleep more the following night, or just call it a day before it even really starts. Sometimes I don’t have the luxury to end early or run, but I will then try to do a little meta reflection about the situation and assess what needs improvement and or can be done on the spot to cope.
The usual:
- Meditation
- Exercise
- Good sleep
- Good diet
- Therapy (when needed).
IMO, I consider meditation the most important. I spend the most amount of my waking time doing meditation. My self introspection is getting better since I'm understanding "myself" more as insight increases. My awareness of my anxieties is more apparent as I practice more. Of course, I do have blind spots, and I realize meditation is not the panacea. But I feel it's helped me the most in the last 5 years.
- Meditation
- Exercise
- Good sleep
- Good diet
- Therapy (when needed).
IMO, I consider meditation the most important. I spend the most amount of my waking time doing meditation. My self introspection is getting better since I'm understanding "myself" more as insight increases. My awareness of my anxieties is more apparent as I practice more. Of course, I do have blind spots, and I realize meditation is not the panacea. But I feel it's helped me the most in the last 5 years.
Moderation in everything. Eat healthy, sleep, and exercise. Seek nature, and cultivate healthy relationships with friends and family.
Of all the things I’ve tried, the most effective have been regular exercise and prioritizing creative output over media consumption.
I try to behave like the person I want to be, even though I know it's all a fraud. I try to see myself as I appear to others and try to exceed their expectations of me. I can't bury my ego, but I can hide it sometimes. Even from the people closest to me. Maybe that's not mentally healthy at all. But it helps me feel a little better.
Exercise, sleep, modest portions of good food, rewarding hobbies.
Not that any of it ever permanently fixes my deeper issues with anxiety or depression: I have to run/exercise every morning to feel really good and ready for the day. But I think that's the deeper point: it's the good habits that make life bearable and even (sometimes) enjoyable.
Not that any of it ever permanently fixes my deeper issues with anxiety or depression: I have to run/exercise every morning to feel really good and ready for the day. But I think that's the deeper point: it's the good habits that make life bearable and even (sometimes) enjoyable.
I've been self-managing depression for decades but finally had to ask for help recently and got put on SSRIs. Nothing happened for about 15 - 20 days, and then suddenly once Saturday afternoon I realised I was "happy" for the first time in many years. I wish I'd asked for help earlier.
1: diet
2: exercise
3: sleep
When any one of them falls by the wayside, everything else in my life starts becoming unbalanced.
When any one of them falls by the wayside, everything else in my life starts becoming unbalanced.
.. daily [evening to reflect on the day] gratitude focused meditation .. either gym/walk/bike all days except sunday .. plant based diet .. zero booze .. micro-dosing LSD/shrooms alternating .. journaling when I feel the need .. connect in real time w/ friends.
Giving them a name. Doing things that are natural and good for you.
Hydration, walking, exercise, eating well, no artificial light before bed, moderate screentime, socializing, journaling, sleep, etc.
Try to stay away from supplements and medications unless absolutely needed. Try to find those in foods and plants.
Hydration, walking, exercise, eating well, no artificial light before bed, moderate screentime, socializing, journaling, sleep, etc.
Try to stay away from supplements and medications unless absolutely needed. Try to find those in foods and plants.
when you feel {emotion} immediately say {your_name} is feeling {emotion}
go through the reasons in you head why. over time you will understand what drives it.
this may help you react the way you want vs. the way you have historically
{emotion} —> anger, anxiety, anything else deemed negative
go through the reasons in you head why. over time you will understand what drives it.
this may help you react the way you want vs. the way you have historically
{emotion} —> anger, anxiety, anything else deemed negative
I like https://o-p-e-n.com/: breathing, meditation, physical exercise
But mainly it's been about paying attention to what gave me energy vs was draining, etc.
I do therapy, meditation and try to do stuff with my hands (right now I’m building a balsa wood RC plane). I also try to wake up very eary despite not liking it, seeing the sun as much as I can and generally trying to move a bit more.
I try to learn new stuff every week, and i try practicing a new sport every year (i go to an adult sport camp for a week every year basically).
I don't remember ever having a mental breakdown. I am rarely "happy" but I am 100% satisfied with my life.
Never work more the 40 hours per week.
I've been working for years on not taking myself so seriously and pray a lot.
Weightlifting in the morning.
Friends, fruitful relationship, kids, if you are lucky enough to have those
Vipassana meditation. It's pretty great.
[deleted]
hard-ghost people with narcissistic behavior characteristics.
Daily yoga and tantra.
Sex and massages.
Beside maintaining physical health - sleep, exercise, hydration, nutrition, not too much alcohol, etc.; as well as conditions with clear etiology like schizophrenia; I strongly suspect most of the "mental health" stuff is BS, and the key is treating emotions as dumb and unimportant, and suppressing them/working around then. Kinda like DBT with "rational" vs "emotional" mind and "wise" mind in the middle, but taken to the next logical level - DBT identifies a bunch of problems with "emotional mind" and tries super hard to move you /towards/ "rational mind", just not all the way. It's telling that there's no therapy in existence that tries to move you in opposite direction - most people on the other end of the spectrum simply don't have issues. So, why not work to move all the way?
In this context, typical attitude of validating and accepting emotions is harmful. Again, DBT distinguishes "invalid" vs "unjustified" emotions, but I think it's hippy nonsense - it's good to explicitly reject and invalidate emotions. It's not easy for problem emotions, but it's good to practice.
In reality, emotions are like zits - they are things going on in your body that mean nothing or matter little 95-99% of the time. So, ignoring or suppressing them is usually the right approach (after checking for physical causes, again was with zits - did you forget to wash your face? did you forget to sleep enough?). Looking at people "anxious because they feel sad for no reason" or "feeling shame because they are irritable and might upset other people" or such circular patterns (mentioned, among others, by Frankl in Man's Search For Meaning, although he'd probably disagree with me on other stuff), I wonder how much of the nebulous mental health issues are due to a learned pattern of focusing on one's own moods and emotions as if they actually meant something, and even if this is made worse by typical therapy. I wonder if this is why self-reported mental illness in the US is increasing despite the increased use of therapy (and drugs, some of which definitely do something, making the increase even more damning).
I think the analogy with physical sensations is similar for positive emotions - taste of good coffee is, like zits, usually of little importance and has no meaning, but explicit mindfulness of it allows you to appreciate it more. Ditto if you feel curious / loving / amused / vigorous - mindfulness helps a lot to enhance these feelings.
For a more specific example, a "mental health issue" I have is that I quickly get angry at trifles (slow software, traffic, people wrong on the internet); people would point that out as an example of how I need a different, non-disdainful approach to emotions, but it's actually a counter-example - this is the only negative emotion I appear to take seriously. So, a similar tactic - catching myself and explicitly thinking "this delay doesn't matter, I'm not in a hurry - the anger is an invalid emotion", or "I don't care what that person thinks, they have no effect on me - the irritation is an invalid emotion" works well, when I can actually catch myself.
In this context, typical attitude of validating and accepting emotions is harmful. Again, DBT distinguishes "invalid" vs "unjustified" emotions, but I think it's hippy nonsense - it's good to explicitly reject and invalidate emotions. It's not easy for problem emotions, but it's good to practice.
In reality, emotions are like zits - they are things going on in your body that mean nothing or matter little 95-99% of the time. So, ignoring or suppressing them is usually the right approach (after checking for physical causes, again was with zits - did you forget to wash your face? did you forget to sleep enough?). Looking at people "anxious because they feel sad for no reason" or "feeling shame because they are irritable and might upset other people" or such circular patterns (mentioned, among others, by Frankl in Man's Search For Meaning, although he'd probably disagree with me on other stuff), I wonder how much of the nebulous mental health issues are due to a learned pattern of focusing on one's own moods and emotions as if they actually meant something, and even if this is made worse by typical therapy. I wonder if this is why self-reported mental illness in the US is increasing despite the increased use of therapy (and drugs, some of which definitely do something, making the increase even more damning).
I think the analogy with physical sensations is similar for positive emotions - taste of good coffee is, like zits, usually of little importance and has no meaning, but explicit mindfulness of it allows you to appreciate it more. Ditto if you feel curious / loving / amused / vigorous - mindfulness helps a lot to enhance these feelings.
For a more specific example, a "mental health issue" I have is that I quickly get angry at trifles (slow software, traffic, people wrong on the internet); people would point that out as an example of how I need a different, non-disdainful approach to emotions, but it's actually a counter-example - this is the only negative emotion I appear to take seriously. So, a similar tactic - catching myself and explicitly thinking "this delay doesn't matter, I'm not in a hurry - the anger is an invalid emotion", or "I don't care what that person thinks, they have no effect on me - the irritation is an invalid emotion" works well, when I can actually catch myself.
Meditation
diet, exercise, and sleep
[deleted]
fitness and kata
Personally, I'm experimenting with the idea of automated personal/positive affirmations based on something I read in the book "Indistractable":
> For example, short text messages providing words of encouragement are effective at helping smokers quit. A metastudy of interventions form ten countries found that "the evidence provides unequivocal support for the efficacy of text messaging interventions to reduce smoking behavior.