Root for your friends(josephthacker.com)
josephthacker.com
Root for your friends
https://josephthacker.com/personal/2025/05/13/root-for-your-friends.html
174 comments
> "Maybe you haven’t really trusted anyone with your wins yet"
At the end of one of her interviews on youtbue, Kelly McGonigal explains that -- paraphrased -- being praised to the face creates an intimate context around the praiser and the praisee, in which it's the praiser that sets the tone and initiates the dynamics. In a way, they find themselves in a position where they evaluate you. This is why taking praise gracefully is not trivial; people being praised usually show bodily signs of stress. It takes a real effort for the praisee not to dismiss or belittle their own achievement, just to get out of those dynamics as soon as possible.
At the end of said interview, the host praised Ms. McGonigal to her face. In response, she drew his attention to the fact that while he was talking, speaking those words of appreciation, she swallowed. The act of her swallowing was a kind of stress-relief (IIRC). (I'm sure we can all relate to choking up slightly when praised to the face.) She highlighted the dynamics of being praised to the face live, mid-interview, through her own reaction.
You may be avoiding sharing your wins with others because you instinctively might want to avoid the situation where others qualify you. In that situation, you experience being the subject of an evaluation, and that -- i.e., being talked about -- might feel like a subordinate position to be in, even if the judging is 100% positive. My remedy is to just yield, lean back, give in, permit the other person to be in control, allow them to have all power in that context, and just bask in the glorious warmth they're sending your way. It can be an experience that you remember for decades after, and you're going to start to crave it. (Peer recognition can be a huge motivator, i.e., doing things for recognition. Whether that's good or bad, is a separate topic :))
At the end of one of her interviews on youtbue, Kelly McGonigal explains that -- paraphrased -- being praised to the face creates an intimate context around the praiser and the praisee, in which it's the praiser that sets the tone and initiates the dynamics. In a way, they find themselves in a position where they evaluate you. This is why taking praise gracefully is not trivial; people being praised usually show bodily signs of stress. It takes a real effort for the praisee not to dismiss or belittle their own achievement, just to get out of those dynamics as soon as possible.
At the end of said interview, the host praised Ms. McGonigal to her face. In response, she drew his attention to the fact that while he was talking, speaking those words of appreciation, she swallowed. The act of her swallowing was a kind of stress-relief (IIRC). (I'm sure we can all relate to choking up slightly when praised to the face.) She highlighted the dynamics of being praised to the face live, mid-interview, through her own reaction.
You may be avoiding sharing your wins with others because you instinctively might want to avoid the situation where others qualify you. In that situation, you experience being the subject of an evaluation, and that -- i.e., being talked about -- might feel like a subordinate position to be in, even if the judging is 100% positive. My remedy is to just yield, lean back, give in, permit the other person to be in control, allow them to have all power in that context, and just bask in the glorious warmth they're sending your way. It can be an experience that you remember for decades after, and you're going to start to crave it. (Peer recognition can be a huge motivator, i.e., doing things for recognition. Whether that's good or bad, is a separate topic :))
> For a long time, I’ve been this person for other people, but don’t feel like I have anybody to do this for me.
For the longest time I was this and unfortunately I got bitter over time. But then a couple of years ago I got back into the mindset again. A few bad years later I realized that the more happy you are for your friends, the more happy you are. Do it for yourself and nobody else.
For the longest time I was this and unfortunately I got bitter over time. But then a couple of years ago I got back into the mindset again. A few bad years later I realized that the more happy you are for your friends, the more happy you are. Do it for yourself and nobody else.
Why not both?
If I'm understanding the parent comment correctly, I don't think they mean not to be happy for others, but that being happy for others is worth it even if you choose to do it purely for selfish reasons. The benefits of cheering on others are worth it even if you ignore the effects that the cheering actually has on the person you're cheering for.
If you're asking why not have both motivations for it, I think that their suggestion is based on the assumption that some people might be struggling to do it for altruistic reasons if it doesn't seem like the people they're cheering deserve it. Even though it's somewhat counterintuitive to my, in my experience this is a pretty common way of thinking, especially when people feel like rewards they had to work hard for come easily for those who get them later. As a (partially made up) example, imagine if you obtained a degree where one of the requirements was a grueling, difficult course completely unrelated to anything you're trying to study, and the year after you graduate, the university finally recognizes that the requirement was unreasonable and removed it. Following the line of thinking from the article, the response that would be the most beneficial would be to be happy for those students who no longer have to take the course, but from what I've seen, it's at least as common for people to instead be upset about the unfairness of having to do the unnecessary work. For people who feel this way, I'd argue that the more compelling reason to try to feel happy rather than resentful isn't how it affects the students who get to avoid this extra work, but because the resentment doesn't really achieve anything other than making you feel bad. While it's not as easy as just "deciding" not to feel that way, I do think that we have the ability to influence our own mindsets in the long term, and I genuinely believe that actively leaning into the idea of celebrating the good thing happening for others each time a circumstance like this happens will eventually make it easier to let go of the resentment when it happens again in the future.
If you're asking why not have both motivations for it, I think that their suggestion is based on the assumption that some people might be struggling to do it for altruistic reasons if it doesn't seem like the people they're cheering deserve it. Even though it's somewhat counterintuitive to my, in my experience this is a pretty common way of thinking, especially when people feel like rewards they had to work hard for come easily for those who get them later. As a (partially made up) example, imagine if you obtained a degree where one of the requirements was a grueling, difficult course completely unrelated to anything you're trying to study, and the year after you graduate, the university finally recognizes that the requirement was unreasonable and removed it. Following the line of thinking from the article, the response that would be the most beneficial would be to be happy for those students who no longer have to take the course, but from what I've seen, it's at least as common for people to instead be upset about the unfairness of having to do the unnecessary work. For people who feel this way, I'd argue that the more compelling reason to try to feel happy rather than resentful isn't how it affects the students who get to avoid this extra work, but because the resentment doesn't really achieve anything other than making you feel bad. While it's not as easy as just "deciding" not to feel that way, I do think that we have the ability to influence our own mindsets in the long term, and I genuinely believe that actively leaning into the idea of celebrating the good thing happening for others each time a circumstance like this happens will eventually make it easier to let go of the resentment when it happens again in the future.
I’m so glad that line helped. It was a last minute addition, and I was thinking about how so many of my friends just don’t share the awesome stuff they do with the world. Share more!!
Ditto.
What gets me is when I have a few times found the people I am hyping for are actually putting me down, or selling me out to management.
What gets me is when I have a few times found the people I am hyping for are actually putting me down, or selling me out to management.
Fair, but the post briefly alluded to this:
> Even if you root for the “wrong” friends, it’s still the best way to live. Life is better not feeling jealous. You can sleep so much easier at night by genuinely being happy for your friends, even if they’re a bit jealous of you.
> Even if you root for the “wrong” friends, it’s still the best way to live. Life is better not feeling jealous. You can sleep so much easier at night by genuinely being happy for your friends, even if they’re a bit jealous of you.
you would need to be the Buddha to feel nothing. And note jealousy type things, but say someone who you thought was a friend but was sabotaging you or bad for you... a toxic person. Jealousy is inane.
The point is not to feel nothing, the point is not to get lost in the feeling. There’s a big difference.
Check out The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer
Check out The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer
I think this is something that easily gets lost in discussions about feelings/emotions. There's a difference between how you feel and how you act based on it; feeling an emotion is a natural response that you can't control, but that doesn't determine how you act based on that emotion, even if it does bias you towards certain actions. In my experience, being able to maintain a distinction between those things is hugely important in being able to consistently choose how to act independent of that bias.
The key for me is understanding that the emotion itself isn't a choice, and therefore isn't something I need to try to control it feel guilty about. Feeling angry or jealous or sad is unavoidable, but feeling those emotions without acting in ways that fuels them without any other reason often ends up making people feel worse for longer. I don't want to make it seem like I don't struggle with this as much as anyone else, but the times when I've been able to follow my own advice about this pretty much universally have ended up better for me than the times when I let my emotions dictate my actions.
The key for me is understanding that the emotion itself isn't a choice, and therefore isn't something I need to try to control it feel guilty about. Feeling angry or jealous or sad is unavoidable, but feeling those emotions without acting in ways that fuels them without any other reason often ends up making people feel worse for longer. I don't want to make it seem like I don't struggle with this as much as anyone else, but the times when I've been able to follow my own advice about this pretty much universally have ended up better for me than the times when I let my emotions dictate my actions.
I think Buddha would feel it, sit with it, and let it go on its own.
Sounds very deep until it is you being in that situation.
There's nothing wrong with being humble. It only takes one small display of pride to make most people quietly hate you. For example, I opened this blog post and within 20 seconds I loathed the person who wrote it. I find your approach to be much more decent.
Damn, why not just be happy for people? We're all different, and I might be an outlier here but I think very few people actually "hate" people, unless they've wronged them in some very particular way, at least for me personally someone has to have gone very far in wronging me or my friends for me to "hate" anyone!
But now you seem miserable and bitter so what's the point? Don't dull your own shine and don't yuck other people's yum.
I'm not. I'm just making a comment about how people work. When you publicly compliment yourself, they tend to think you're an asshole.
Your comment reminded me of a teacher who told me to "put more sugar in your coffee" when I asked a pointed question. That's when I realized he was an asshole who had nothing to teach me. People say things like that (or "yuck"/"yum") to make themselves feel superior. A good word for it is smarmy. It's funny, 'cause my comment here only drew responses from people who needed to justify themselves - no reaction was required. I don't know you. I wasn't talking to you personally. I was only saying that no one likes a braggart.
Your comment reminded me of a teacher who told me to "put more sugar in your coffee" when I asked a pointed question. That's when I realized he was an asshole who had nothing to teach me. People say things like that (or "yuck"/"yum") to make themselves feel superior. A good word for it is smarmy. It's funny, 'cause my comment here only drew responses from people who needed to justify themselves - no reaction was required. I don't know you. I wasn't talking to you personally. I was only saying that no one likes a braggart.
I have borrowed some "wisdom" in how particles interact. They exchange particles back and forth which strengthen their interaction. That's what I do generally in real life. I sort of share happenings in my life as a sort of nano-influencer within my group of friends. I would say the advice in the blogpost works, sort of. Even if my "contributions" go into a blackhole, I think atleast the ephemeral Universe is watching what I do.
> I have borrowed some "wisdom" in how particles interact. They exchange particles back and forth
If particles interact by exchanging particles, how do they interact with the particles they exchange?
If particles interact by exchanging particles, how do they interact with the particles they exchange?
I'm not sure I understand this question. If I hand someone a book, we're both interacting with the book as well as each other, so why wouldn't this also hold true for particles?
Is it particle turtles all the way down?
I don't see why the answer to that question affects whether particles can interact by exchanging particles with each other. To be clear, I'm not taking a stance on whether that's an accurate description of how particles work, but I don't think that it's somehow logically incoherent.
The point wasn't that particles can interact that way, but that that is how they interact. But that requires infinite regression. (That needn't necessarily be a problem, but it does need a justification.)
We already have mathematical metaphors of such infinity compressed in finite regions. E.g. statistical self-similarity of mandelbrot fractal.
Well, I'm glad you had this realization, and I'm excited for how this will turn out for you. Sometimes you have to show your friends you're excited about something for them to be excited in turn.
Good luck!
Good luck!
How much of it is some form of a subliminal superstition where you feel that if you tell your success, your success will be jinxed?
Let's take this to the extreme, you just won the lottery, which one of your friends will you tell?
Someone I'm "friends" with, recently confessed to me that they very much enjoy watching me fail. I was genuinely surprised because I love watching people win, but I dug into it a bit and apparently it's very common, people really do love to see other people have setbacks, but the research I read seemed to indicate it was more prevalent in friendships, people seem fine with other people getting a head if they don't know them personally. Apparently it's also considerably more common than not for friends to want their friends to fail, or at least take pleasure in their failures. This was all news to me till about a week or so ago, and I'm old. That research actually lead me to this, that I learned is apparently also news to me[1] - "The researchers found that boredom's effects on sadism were mediated by people's desire for excitement and novelty-seeking - essentially, sadistic behavior served as a way to escape the aversive state of boredom." - I sense somehow these two things are somewhat linked.
Some reading:
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/43119265_Envy_and_S...
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-evaluation_maintenance_th...
https://www.scribd.com/document/796080571/Document-2
[1]https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=44068463
Some reading:
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/43119265_Envy_and_S...
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-evaluation_maintenance_th...
https://www.scribd.com/document/796080571/Document-2
[1]https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=44068463
It's interesting - had they acted this schadenfreude out at all? Or did this confession come completely out of the blue. From what you said, it is the latter - and if so, should this person be judged for this unappealing inner thought, if they take pains not to let that thought influence their behaviour or actions?
I have thought about this a lot over the past few weeks. And I think I should stop thinking about it because it's becoming unhealthy, because I've analyzed our whole relationship back years and gotten into too much speculation in my head.
It sounds like he has a very "zero-sum" type of mindset and views most people around him as potential competition instead of potential collaborators. Scarcity mindsets taken to extremes make people focus only on what they can lose. If I'm being charitable, maybe your friend has been struggling with things behind the scenes? But honestly it sounds more like a personality thing.
And all of that being said, none of us are perfect. I would hope your friend has at least some redeeming qualities, something you enjoy about him. Otherwise, it sounds like, at least lately, your friendship with him has been taking energy and peace from you and giving you...what? (And I say that not to mean friendships are only about "gaining" something, but they are meant to be mutually supportive with some ebbs and flows.)
And all of that being said, none of us are perfect. I would hope your friend has at least some redeeming qualities, something you enjoy about him. Otherwise, it sounds like, at least lately, your friendship with him has been taking energy and peace from you and giving you...what? (And I say that not to mean friendships are only about "gaining" something, but they are meant to be mutually supportive with some ebbs and flows.)
We used to enjoy drinking together, but now I'm sober, we don't do that anymore. I suspect that was the thing we had in common, we loved getting smashed together... :\
Sound like you're capable of reflecting and growing, which is awesome. You don't need to be hard on yourself or your friend. You might just be becoming mindful that you need other friendships that have other qualities to them, than the friendships you've had in the past had. This is just growth. Also making new friends is super fun. It's a bit challenging to "put yourself out there" and all that, but all of the best things in life are hard. I really like cheering for my friends, and lots of other people do too. You can find these people now that you know what you're looking for.
Also I've never had much luck with work friends. Work seems to get in the way. These days board games are my best strategy for maintaining friendships. You need some sort of "third place" for maintaining good friendships: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_place
Also I've never had much luck with work friends. Work seems to get in the way. These days board games are my best strategy for maintaining friendships. You need some sort of "third place" for maintaining good friendships: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_place
Does this person make your life better in anyway? Why do you put energy into the relationship?
Sounds like they kinda suck.
Edit: I saw your other comment, I'm sorry to hear that you are doing through such a hard time. I'm coming out of a multi-year one myself, wiser and stronger than I was before. Rooting for you! :)
Sounds like they kinda suck.
Edit: I saw your other comment, I'm sorry to hear that you are doing through such a hard time. I'm coming out of a multi-year one myself, wiser and stronger than I was before. Rooting for you! :)
I’m curious about how this came out and what the fallout was. If you feel like sharing.
I'm going through a really really difficult time right now, 3 major areas of my life have broken down simultaneously over the past five months. I was ranting to this guy I've known for years about it (who is very successful but was once jr to me at work) - I would have called him a "good friend" - he was drunk and giggled out something along the lines of "makes me feel strong" - I reacted as you would expect "uh.. really?". We got into a bit, and talked it out (he basically explained it was normal, hence I then went to research if that is true or not), I can see where it sits in his personality now, and I don't think he and I will be friends anymore.
I refuse to believe this is normal and I have happily cut people out of my life for this.
The most painful moment was when I had a close friend almost enjoy the fact my wife had a miscarriage. It was completely insensitive and made me realise that I have no interest in being friends with someone who is willing to compete on something so ridiculous.
The most painful moment was when I had a close friend almost enjoy the fact my wife had a miscarriage. It was completely insensitive and made me realise that I have no interest in being friends with someone who is willing to compete on something so ridiculous.
It can both be normal (in that it’s common) and painful at the same time.
And you can and should still absolutely cut them out of your life. Let them have each other.
There’s a reason misery loves company.
And you can and should still absolutely cut them out of your life. Let them have each other.
There’s a reason misery loves company.
I feel like I took a wrong turn somewhere such that I'm learning all this in my midlife. I genuinely believed the only place for "ruthless competition" was in sports and business, and in theory you know what you're signing up for. The past couple of years have been very eye opening to me, to learn people take such pleasure in such miserable things. (I also didn't know about this till recently: https://www.quora.com/What-are-fair-weather-friends)
Yes. I, too, learned this the painful way. I had many friends, or so I thought. Then I got cut out of a volleyball friend group because I was too “intense” (aka talked about things that weren’t the weather) for them. Okay. That hurt a lot.
Lots of thinking later, and I can now tell the difference between acquaintances and friends. There’s a simple test: acquaintances will be there when you want them to; friends will be there when you don’t want them to, but need them to anyway. An acquaintance would never do that.
Lots of thinking later, and I can now tell the difference between acquaintances and friends. There’s a simple test: acquaintances will be there when you want them to; friends will be there when you don’t want them to, but need them to anyway. An acquaintance would never do that.
There are a lot of hurting people out there, and often times people will take their pain out on others, even if they don't mean to.
Learning to disengage or set firm boundaries in situations where that is happening is one of the most powerful and healthy things one can do.
Learning to disengage or set firm boundaries in situations where that is happening is one of the most powerful and healthy things one can do.
It is normal in the sense of for example seeing your friend accidentally slap themselves in the face with a plank, or have forgot to flush right when they're lucky enough to take a girl home. It's called schadenfreude.
Additionally, it is normal to accept derisive talk (= banter) from good friends. If a friend doesn't get a promotion, you can be very humoristically negative about it in way that would in no way be okay with a stranger.
So yes, in those ways it is normal to enjoy watching your friends mess up, and it is normal to feel more at ease with it with friends rather than strangers.
However, it is not normal to enjoy seeing your friends fail in life, at all. That goes way beyond schadenfreude and even narcissism, straight into sociopathy.
Additionally, it is normal to accept derisive talk (= banter) from good friends. If a friend doesn't get a promotion, you can be very humoristically negative about it in way that would in no way be okay with a stranger.
So yes, in those ways it is normal to enjoy watching your friends mess up, and it is normal to feel more at ease with it with friends rather than strangers.
However, it is not normal to enjoy seeing your friends fail in life, at all. That goes way beyond schadenfreude and even narcissism, straight into sociopathy.
I don't agree with the other commenters here. I used to be the same way, I'd be happy for my friends when they got a win, but I wouldn't be happy about it, because I saw it as a zero-sum game, where someone else winning meant I was somehow losing, or wasn't good enough.
One day, a friend told me about how a founder he knew had raised a round, and I said something like "damn, it's always everyone else" and my friend went "why not just be happy for them? It's not like they're hurting you".
That's when I realized that yes, I could just be happy for them, and that they indeed didn't hurt me, and that I could just be making this an overall happier event by being happy.
Since then, I'm genuinely happy when anyone wins, to the point where I'll complain to people about something that happens to me, they'll say "well if it makes you feel better, that happened to me too", and my response is "why would it make me feel better that my friend also had this bad thing happen to them?", which gets some puzzled "you're right" responses.
I think it is widespread that people feel like this, hence the "if it makes you feel better" response. I think if your friend understands that this isn't a great way to feel, it'll all be OK.
One day, a friend told me about how a founder he knew had raised a round, and I said something like "damn, it's always everyone else" and my friend went "why not just be happy for them? It's not like they're hurting you".
That's when I realized that yes, I could just be happy for them, and that they indeed didn't hurt me, and that I could just be making this an overall happier event by being happy.
Since then, I'm genuinely happy when anyone wins, to the point where I'll complain to people about something that happens to me, they'll say "well if it makes you feel better, that happened to me too", and my response is "why would it make me feel better that my friend also had this bad thing happen to them?", which gets some puzzled "you're right" responses.
I think it is widespread that people feel like this, hence the "if it makes you feel better" response. I think if your friend understands that this isn't a great way to feel, it'll all be OK.
> "why would it make me feel better that my friend also had this bad thing happen to them?"
Sometimes people feel alone in their failures. Knowing that something similar has happened to others can help the person feel less alone.
Sometimes people feel alone in their failures. Knowing that something similar has happened to others can help the person feel less alone.
I like to bring up a similar anecdote to the faux pas that just happened. For example, a friend taking a wrong turn, adding time to the ride and making the party somewhat late. It halted the conversation in the car, and to ease the tension I pointed out how I "do that at least once per every drive to X" to try to make the driver less self-conscious and so the other passengers aren't sitting in awkward silence.
> he basically explained it was normal
I think this is just him trying to justify it.
I think this is just him trying to justify it.
I appreciate the response. Some good conversation resulted. I hope times are better for you now.
I wonder how this applies to the army. In the army, the people around you in the same situation as you become your mates, and seeing them suffer or die has a big effect on soldiers.
I'd say spending time together forms / ends up in bonding, and those friends aren't friends (although the English-American definition is more like 'peers' anyway); they're former friends. People you used to spend time with. If it comes to school and work, there's competition. Lots of it. In the army, not so much.
I'd say spending time together forms / ends up in bonding, and those friends aren't friends (although the English-American definition is more like 'peers' anyway); they're former friends. People you used to spend time with. If it comes to school and work, there's competition. Lots of it. In the army, not so much.
I think this is basic competition.
For example, in board games, there are several types:
- Competitive games: every person for themselves; there’s one winner, everyone else loses
- Co-op games: every human vs. “the game”, often in the form of AI opponents, or environmental conditions; everyone wins or everyone loses
- Team games: X vs. Y players (and sometimes more than two teams); one team wins, everyone else loses
I feel like work is meant to be a co-op game, but just like co-op games, even though you’re supposed to be on the same team, you often still want to feel like “the best”. Not to the point of bringing the whole team down, but to the point you can secretly feel like you carried the team.
In some hostile work environments, it can actually turn into a team game (inter-departmental competition), or even a competitive game (intra-departmental competition). I’ve been in all of these types of companies, and the co-op ones are obviously the best, especially the ones that care more about the elevation of the team over individual success.
In the military, it’s very much a team game. You are clearly on the same team, and if you don’t cooperate with your team, you will (likely) lose. Obviously, with military — particularly in war — there can be actual life and death at stake, which elevates this to an extreme level.
For example, in board games, there are several types:
- Competitive games: every person for themselves; there’s one winner, everyone else loses
- Co-op games: every human vs. “the game”, often in the form of AI opponents, or environmental conditions; everyone wins or everyone loses
- Team games: X vs. Y players (and sometimes more than two teams); one team wins, everyone else loses
I feel like work is meant to be a co-op game, but just like co-op games, even though you’re supposed to be on the same team, you often still want to feel like “the best”. Not to the point of bringing the whole team down, but to the point you can secretly feel like you carried the team.
In some hostile work environments, it can actually turn into a team game (inter-departmental competition), or even a competitive game (intra-departmental competition). I’ve been in all of these types of companies, and the co-op ones are obviously the best, especially the ones that care more about the elevation of the team over individual success.
In the military, it’s very much a team game. You are clearly on the same team, and if you don’t cooperate with your team, you will (likely) lose. Obviously, with military — particularly in war — there can be actual life and death at stake, which elevates this to an extreme level.
> - Competitive games: every person for themselves; there’s one winner, everyone else loses
If you see people finding value only in winning, you might want to switch to different gaming friends. Around here, managing the critical mass to play the game is a first collective victory. And there is plenty of congratulations and collective joy to witnessing a game strategy well played. That same strategy that others may think "crushed you". Being able to play with smart players is 100% a blessing.
If you see people finding value only in winning, you might want to switch to different gaming friends. Around here, managing the critical mass to play the game is a first collective victory. And there is plenty of congratulations and collective joy to witnessing a game strategy well played. That same strategy that others may think "crushed you". Being able to play with smart players is 100% a blessing.
I’m talking strictly the rules of gameplay, and applying that metaphorically to competition within the workplace and war.
Taken literally, of course the experience of playing a board game should be fun for everyone, regardless of the outcome.
But if you want to stick to the metaphor, I would agree that if you’re playing board games with sore losers/winners should result in finding new people to play with.
And similarly, if you have coworkers that are only looking out for themselves and their own success, without regard to the success of the team, find a new place to work.
But that’s the point I was trying to make.
Taken literally, of course the experience of playing a board game should be fun for everyone, regardless of the outcome.
But if you want to stick to the metaphor, I would agree that if you’re playing board games with sore losers/winners should result in finding new people to play with.
And similarly, if you have coworkers that are only looking out for themselves and their own success, without regard to the success of the team, find a new place to work.
But that’s the point I was trying to make.
I never experienced competition like this in the Army, however I have outside of it.
The Army was competitive in a fun way. Where it’s fun to beat your friends in PT or to laugh as they trip over. But when it came down to it, we were on the same team and you would help out a friend.
Inversely, not being a team player would get you bullied.
The Army was competitive in a fun way. Where it’s fun to beat your friends in PT or to laugh as they trip over. But when it came down to it, we were on the same team and you would help out a friend.
Inversely, not being a team player would get you bullied.
I wouldn’t say that there is no competition in the army, in fact some selection processes (special forces, who gets up the ladder and earns a seat on the general staff or a star) are probably more competitive than in civilian life. It’s probably more about the general mindset: those extreme situation (and I am not necessarily talking about the competitive ones) create that positive feedback loop though shared hardships and closeness, and probably outweigh that competitiveness.
In the army, competitions are not as much of an issue because the goal is not to make more money or mere promotion, but to serve the country. "Dying in the act of war" is not frowned upon but celebrated as a badge.
Opposite to contrary belief, higher rank individuals (except the topmost levels) are at the front line leading the pack. Army personnel have families, but they kill others who also have families — this is not normal for most people. They get desensitised after practice and war in difficult terrains.
I was told by an army lad, his father had instructions to always move forward. If you turn, your own men can shoot you, mistaking you for an enemy.
Opposite to contrary belief, higher rank individuals (except the topmost levels) are at the front line leading the pack. Army personnel have families, but they kill others who also have families — this is not normal for most people. They get desensitised after practice and war in difficult terrains.
I was told by an army lad, his father had instructions to always move forward. If you turn, your own men can shoot you, mistaking you for an enemy.
One of the best things I've ever done for my own career is being mindful of celebrating the wins of my coworkers. Call out a good refactor that would have gone unnoticed. Email someone's manager or skip level in the lead up to performance reviews and tell them how they made things better. Publicly thank the person that took notes or groomed the backlog or had a noisy on-call rotation.
Everybody appreciates getting celebrated. Managers love hearing that their reports are being appreciated. Leadership loves to hear about wins that are normally invisible to them. You're directly benefiting the people around you, and it reflects well on you as someone who cares, pays attention, has empathy, and has a focus on career growth. Maybe it's just because it's normally a behavior associated with senior ICs, but people hear this stuff and start to look to you as an authority and example.
Everybody appreciates getting celebrated. Managers love hearing that their reports are being appreciated. Leadership loves to hear about wins that are normally invisible to them. You're directly benefiting the people around you, and it reflects well on you as someone who cares, pays attention, has empathy, and has a focus on career growth. Maybe it's just because it's normally a behavior associated with senior ICs, but people hear this stuff and start to look to you as an authority and example.
In my first few years on the job, I would fill out peer evaluations honestly. We have peer evaluations where you rate people out of 5 on various performance elements like "innovative" and "leader" or whatever. Then I survived a couple of rounds of awful layoffs where really good people lost their livelihoods.
Since then, I put 5 out of 5 on everyone for everything always, and say something nice in all the boxes.
Since then, I put 5 out of 5 on everyone for everything always, and say something nice in all the boxes.
Goodness, yes. The last time I put (genuinely constructive) criticism in a peer evaluation, it turned out to be the only non-positive thing that was said about that coworker. So it became a focus of his yearly review.
He later told me about how his review went (casually at a conference; he had no idea I was the source), and I fessed up and clarified what I actually meant. The HR process had twisted it to a much more extreme version of what I was getting at, completely undermining the utility of the feedback.
Nowadays, I'm just gonna give perfect scores and if I have feedback that needs to be given, I'll just tell the coworker directly. (And if I'm not comfortable doing that, then the feedback probably isn't important enough.)
He later told me about how his review went (casually at a conference; he had no idea I was the source), and I fessed up and clarified what I actually meant. The HR process had twisted it to a much more extreme version of what I was getting at, completely undermining the utility of the feedback.
Nowadays, I'm just gonna give perfect scores and if I have feedback that needs to be given, I'll just tell the coworker directly. (And if I'm not comfortable doing that, then the feedback probably isn't important enough.)
I think a big factor of that is that usually most people just do the positive feedback and don't say anything negative or constructive. So when someone does do so, it's seen as "wow, this must be so bad that they just had to say something, no matter how delicately or toned-down it is being phrased as". These days I just mention the problems and concerns to the people making the decisions because yearly review time is the wrong time to do it. At best they've only been doing this "bad" thing for a month or so, and at worst almost a whole year and no one did anything.
> I think a big factor of that is that usually most people just do the positive feedback and don't say anything negative or constructive.
You are most certainly right. But whose fault is this? HR and CxO.
You are most certainly right. But whose fault is this? HR and CxO.
Theres a nice chinese saying
Nail that stands, gets the hammer
Nail that stands, gets the hammer
Never give constructive criticism through management! Management will use it as evaluative feedback.
Give constructive feedback directly.
For real. I have bought a car and the same day discovered a minor issue, I had to get it fixed next day. I rated the service 8/10, it was excellent otherwise. Next day I get a very apologetic call, begging me to change my rating, because anything less than 9/10 triggers some kind of investigation process. I said screw it and took the survey again, I'm not going to ruin someone else's work because of this.
I bought a mouse on Amazon that didn't fit my hand and was uncomfortable to use. I gave it a 3-star review. The company immediately refunded me and told me I didn't need to return the product. I was shocked. I get "the customer is king" but I think it's gone too far. A review system where everything is expected to have a perfect rating is not a useful system!
There's scammers gaming the amazon review system to put fakes in highly reviewed (previous) ad posts.
so you where messing with their real-state i guess
so you where messing with their real-state i guess
Net Promoter Score (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Net_promoter_score) has (if it ever was useful) turned into madness in way too many contexts.
I do the same. Doing HR’s job is not my job. And yet, some how I do.
If I rated any satisfaction metric below 80% my manager’s manager would have him talk to me; there would be flogging until morale improves.
It seems all a game of Emperor’s New Clothes.
This isn’t even HR’s job. It’s the person’s manager’s job.
Layoffs are arbitrary and not based on performance.
[deleted]
Just had a friend leave their company. They had formed a really strong network of people within that company who were in constant contact. This helped them succeed in a lot of ways.
Sounds good? It was, except...most of that bonding was based on lowkey negativity by a set of people who felt powerless, complaining about how others were terrible. Some in this network went down a rabbithole of resentment and are still there. The reality is that yes, there was lots of stuff to be grumpy about.
Rooting for your friends is great. But people sometimes bond over wishing harm for their foes. Shared trauma does that. I personally try to avoid that mindset.
Sounds good? It was, except...most of that bonding was based on lowkey negativity by a set of people who felt powerless, complaining about how others were terrible. Some in this network went down a rabbithole of resentment and are still there. The reality is that yes, there was lots of stuff to be grumpy about.
Rooting for your friends is great. But people sometimes bond over wishing harm for their foes. Shared trauma does that. I personally try to avoid that mindset.
> Rooting for your friends is great. But people sometimes bond over wishing harm for their foes. Shared trauma does that.
Yeah this is way too common. And it’s not just trauma which does it. I think it’s its own psychological trap. I think the trap is a self reinforcing cycle of a few thoughts:
1. Other people are bad at things. Look at all the things others do which have flaws! You must be better than all those dolts.
2. You tell yourself you could do something better - but if you try, maybe it’ll have flaws too. Then you’ll be just as bad as anyone else. Uh oh.
3. So you don’t do anything creative, or take responsibility for anything. But you need a reason to tell yourself as to why you’re not doing anything.
4. It must be because other, idiot people stop you. Change is too hard. Doing anything would be “fighting against the system” or something. See point 1.
And the trap is closed. The only way to escape it is to do stuff that you’re bad at. And if you do that, you’ll find all the faults in your own work and feel terrible about yourself.
I think the bottom level of almost any company is packed with people who have this mindset. It’s a disaster on every level - personal and professional. And it’s quite resilient and contagious. People like that are always a little afraid that somebody will call them on it. So they need others to agree with them that staying small is the smart move.
Avoiding them is definitely a smart move. I’ve taken to sometimes needling people like that, just to rattle the cage and see what happens. “You’re so right about those flaws! We’d love your help fixing some of them?” / “I think your idea is wonderful! So what you’re saying is if we got Bob on side, you think we could do it? Let me help - I’ll set up a meeting. With the two of us, I’m sure he’ll come around!”
I generally hate being too positive. But I make an exception for this kind of subtle supportive bullying. This awful mindset can’t survive in the sunlight. It’s fun to see what happens!
Yeah this is way too common. And it’s not just trauma which does it. I think it’s its own psychological trap. I think the trap is a self reinforcing cycle of a few thoughts:
1. Other people are bad at things. Look at all the things others do which have flaws! You must be better than all those dolts.
2. You tell yourself you could do something better - but if you try, maybe it’ll have flaws too. Then you’ll be just as bad as anyone else. Uh oh.
3. So you don’t do anything creative, or take responsibility for anything. But you need a reason to tell yourself as to why you’re not doing anything.
4. It must be because other, idiot people stop you. Change is too hard. Doing anything would be “fighting against the system” or something. See point 1.
And the trap is closed. The only way to escape it is to do stuff that you’re bad at. And if you do that, you’ll find all the faults in your own work and feel terrible about yourself.
I think the bottom level of almost any company is packed with people who have this mindset. It’s a disaster on every level - personal and professional. And it’s quite resilient and contagious. People like that are always a little afraid that somebody will call them on it. So they need others to agree with them that staying small is the smart move.
Avoiding them is definitely a smart move. I’ve taken to sometimes needling people like that, just to rattle the cage and see what happens. “You’re so right about those flaws! We’d love your help fixing some of them?” / “I think your idea is wonderful! So what you’re saying is if we got Bob on side, you think we could do it? Let me help - I’ll set up a meeting. With the two of us, I’m sure he’ll come around!”
I generally hate being too positive. But I make an exception for this kind of subtle supportive bullying. This awful mindset can’t survive in the sunlight. It’s fun to see what happens!
I've met a few people that I like to describe as "walking Reddit". Chat with them and they'll always have a story or gossip that's engaging and somewhat infuriating or rage-inducing. One was a colleague who would telling me all the questionable and unkind things the managers in other teams were doing.
I eventually realised that these interactions weren't joyful... they were easy conversations, but they were also demoralising and lowered my energy. These days I try to "manage" my conversations with people like this by steering the topics and (gently) setting boundaries on what I don't want to talk about.
I eventually realised that these interactions weren't joyful... they were easy conversations, but they were also demoralising and lowered my energy. These days I try to "manage" my conversations with people like this by steering the topics and (gently) setting boundaries on what I don't want to talk about.
[deleted]
I’ve found my way into a small group of incredibly supportive dads. And one of the ways in which we exercise rooting for our friends is to basically commandeer “jealousy” into a positive thing. “Ah man I’m so jealous that your kids sleep so well!”
“Jealousy” in a non-toxic manner feels kind of right for the task of describing wins that we all know are largely just up to random chance.
Being jealous of someone’s hard work doesn’t really feel the same.
“Jealousy” in a non-toxic manner feels kind of right for the task of describing wins that we all know are largely just up to random chance.
Being jealous of someone’s hard work doesn’t really feel the same.
This sounds beautiful. Thank you for sharing. I think Jealousy is a useful and important emotional state in society, and to wish it away and suppress it only makes it show up in violent ways. Like all emotions, if we allow and appreciate (and share!), it flows through us and does not fester.
Yes. Also envy may be the right word. You can both have something you are envious of. That's pedantic of me.
What I rly wanted to say is admitting jealousy vs showing signs of it are two diff things and you guys nailed it. Glad you have a good support group.
What I rly wanted to say is admitting jealousy vs showing signs of it are two diff things and you guys nailed it. Glad you have a good support group.
The nominal subject of the article is "friends", but it appears that the article is best understood as about work friends. Perhaps "allies" would be a more appropriate term? I hope that the author has some work/life balance and can feel the difference between these two categories.
I would define a friend as someone with whom you enjoy spending time. There doesn't need to be a goal except to "hang out". Do you really need a friend to "give meaningful feedback on your projects"? The author's conception of a friend, in the article, feels starkly utilitarian, where friendship is a tool for achieving your other ends rather than an end in itself.
If we interpret friends here as work friends, then I think a little jealousy and zero-sumness is natural. The very first benefit mentioned by the author of rooting for your friends is that it "can improve your career". If your work friend's career improves, but yours doesn't, then doesn't that defeat the (author's) purpose?
> It’s deeply believing that a rising tide lifts all boats.
I deeply believe that this is utterly naive.
It's not inherently false—we could make it true, if we really wanted—but it's empirically false, for the obvious reason that those who are lifted tend to be greedy and want to keep all the gains for themselves. Whether that's because power corrupts, because power attracts the corrupt, or some combination of the two, the problem is that those at the top come to feel that they deserve to be at top, that they're better than those who are not at the top and have been rewarded for their superiority, and thus from their perspective it would almost be immoral to "reward" those below who aren't as "good".
I would define a friend as someone with whom you enjoy spending time. There doesn't need to be a goal except to "hang out". Do you really need a friend to "give meaningful feedback on your projects"? The author's conception of a friend, in the article, feels starkly utilitarian, where friendship is a tool for achieving your other ends rather than an end in itself.
If we interpret friends here as work friends, then I think a little jealousy and zero-sumness is natural. The very first benefit mentioned by the author of rooting for your friends is that it "can improve your career". If your work friend's career improves, but yours doesn't, then doesn't that defeat the (author's) purpose?
> It’s deeply believing that a rising tide lifts all boats.
I deeply believe that this is utterly naive.
It's not inherently false—we could make it true, if we really wanted—but it's empirically false, for the obvious reason that those who are lifted tend to be greedy and want to keep all the gains for themselves. Whether that's because power corrupts, because power attracts the corrupt, or some combination of the two, the problem is that those at the top come to feel that they deserve to be at top, that they're better than those who are not at the top and have been rewarded for their superiority, and thus from their perspective it would almost be immoral to "reward" those below who aren't as "good".
Agree. The article treats friendship as a career tool rather than a meaningful connection. Real friends aren’t just hype men or professional assets — they’re people who stick around through ups and downs.
> > It’s deeply believing that a rising tide lifts all boats. > I deeply believe that this is utterly naive.
While I don't fully disagree, I have often seen younger employees fall into the trap of overly chasing individual advantage over collective benefit. In other words, trying to be an all-star rather than a team player. Perhaps this is from schooling, where all that matters is getting an "A", but in the workplace it often results in being disliked and less likely to be promoted.
> > It’s deeply believing that a rising tide lifts all boats. > I deeply believe that this is utterly naive.
While I don't fully disagree, I have often seen younger employees fall into the trap of overly chasing individual advantage over collective benefit. In other words, trying to be an all-star rather than a team player. Perhaps this is from schooling, where all that matters is getting an "A", but in the workplace it often results in being disliked and less likely to be promoted.
Relationships are of various kinds that extend in various dimensions. What the Author has talked about definitely sounds more like a "work-friend" relationship, but is not entirely separate from a "friend-friend" that you define.
> It’s deeply believing that a rising tide lifts all boats.
This is true, but with context. "Growth" and "Comfort" are two different elements of a good friendship. We can replace "rising" with "happy", and the same quote works for comfort.
Are both necessary? Depends on how you define "friendship". If comfort is the only thing, you dog can be a comfortable companion. But for a human friendship to last longer, both must enjoy each other company for longer time horizon, and that needs growth in both. This growth needs not be only in career, but mental too.
With such growth, envy can't come in and corrode the bond.
> It’s deeply believing that a rising tide lifts all boats.
This is true, but with context. "Growth" and "Comfort" are two different elements of a good friendship. We can replace "rising" with "happy", and the same quote works for comfort.
Are both necessary? Depends on how you define "friendship". If comfort is the only thing, you dog can be a comfortable companion. But for a human friendship to last longer, both must enjoy each other company for longer time horizon, and that needs growth in both. This growth needs not be only in career, but mental too.
With such growth, envy can't come in and corrode the bond.
> With such growth, envy can't come in and corrode the bond.
Well, if we're talking about work-friends, the classic conflict would be when one co-worker is promoted but the other isn't, and indeed the one becomes the other's boss. That's basically a zero-sum game, and it's difficult for a friendship to survive that scenario.
Well, if we're talking about work-friends, the classic conflict would be when one co-worker is promoted but the other isn't, and indeed the one becomes the other's boss. That's basically a zero-sum game, and it's difficult for a friendship to survive that scenario.
It feels like it’s probably most applicable to people who do similar work as you and who you talk shop with. I wouldn’t consider these work friends, which to me are people at the same place of work that you wouldn’t hang out with if not for work.
I think this post really shows cultural differences in the term 'friendship'. Where I grew up (in Germany) most people I know would not abandon friendship because they read a blog post. a real friendship is something special that you maintain also in difficult times and sometimes people are jealous, but that can change and I think the understanding of friendship as a kind of 'success accellerator' is something that sounds quite stange for me. From my definition friendship is exactly the kind of relationship that comes without such expectations
Personally, I wouldn’t normally think of a friendship as a “success accelerator” because that reduces a friendship to its material benefits. I think you can have strong and meaningful relationships without this aspect at all.
Still, I do want to acknowledge that if I’m in a position to help accelerate a friend’s success, I will. I don’t know whether I’d say I expect my friends to do the same for me since it’s so contextual. At the same time I would expect a certain level of reciprocity if they’re in the position to reciprocate, although I admit I’m struggling to articulate my expectations clearly, since they’re not simply one to one.
Still, I do want to acknowledge that if I’m in a position to help accelerate a friend’s success, I will. I don’t know whether I’d say I expect my friends to do the same for me since it’s so contextual. At the same time I would expect a certain level of reciprocity if they’re in the position to reciprocate, although I admit I’m struggling to articulate my expectations clearly, since they’re not simply one to one.
I think the contents of said blog post is material to the conversation at hand.
The opposite of a "success accelerator" hypeman would be someone that's constantly tearing you down, talking bar about you behind your back, and constantly and actively trying to get you to fail. If it's the contents of blog post that helps someone recognize such a person isn't really their friend, why is it even relevant what bit if media helped them come to that realization?
The opposite of a "success accelerator" hypeman would be someone that's constantly tearing you down, talking bar about you behind your back, and constantly and actively trying to get you to fail. If it's the contents of blog post that helps someone recognize such a person isn't really their friend, why is it even relevant what bit if media helped them come to that realization?
I root for my friends, but it's hard since the ones who mattered are all abroad. I haven’t seen most school friends in a decade, and college friends since 2020—except one, who’s now in Australia. A relationship ended badly last year, and I haven’t had the energy to start another. I’ve made a few surface-level connections through running/cycling clubs, with one solid bond.
Feel bummed to keep rooting for other people, but no one is there that way for me, besides my parents.
Having a cat reall helps though.
Having a cat reall helps though.
Have you made any friends online? A ton of my friends are people I interact with almost exclusively on discord
Need more time offline than online. Especially the past month or so where I have been at home mostly, prepping for an interview, doing nothing but Leetcoding, pretty much.
I've struggled to make any of those into one's where I'd DM the person if I was in a rough spot or felt I could count on them. You ever manage that?
For a short time in the 2000s with my wow guild I did but that was different. It was always TeamSpeak so I felt I knew the person v discord(where i only voice chat with irl friends... so far)
I'd love to be able to make that happen. Probably my own confidence is the issue.
For a short time in the 2000s with my wow guild I did but that was different. It was always TeamSpeak so I felt I knew the person v discord(where i only voice chat with irl friends... so far)
I'd love to be able to make that happen. Probably my own confidence is the issue.
I have a close friend who's a huge motivator for my work. He deeply believes that I'm destined to fail and I'm determined to prove him wrong.
Cheerleaders are great if you need reassurance and affirmation. If you want to innovate and push boundaries, I'd argue that competition is a more significant driver.
Cheerleaders are great if you need reassurance and affirmation. If you want to innovate and push boundaries, I'd argue that competition is a more significant driver.
You could be right. It could also be that if your friend was supportive and was excited for you that you would still be motivated to succeed.
I have a feeling that you're striving in spite of the lack of support, not because of it. And also that your own creativity and persistence is able to turn lemons into lemonade. So whatever your friends gave you, you'd take it and make it work.
I'd say all of that is the complete opposite of what people do that are destined to fail.
I have a feeling that you're striving in spite of the lack of support, not because of it. And also that your own creativity and persistence is able to turn lemons into lemonade. So whatever your friends gave you, you'd take it and make it work.
I'd say all of that is the complete opposite of what people do that are destined to fail.
> If you want to innovate and push boundaries, I'd argue that competition is a more significant driver.
Competition is great, but there's no reason it needs to be negatively tinged (as in your example). Two people can compete and push themselves hard to come out ahead, but also cheer for each other to do well. After all, if your rival sucks they don't really push you to get better, so cheering for them is in a way cheering for yourself too.
Competition is great, but there's no reason it needs to be negatively tinged (as in your example). Two people can compete and push themselves hard to come out ahead, but also cheer for each other to do well. After all, if your rival sucks they don't really push you to get better, so cheering for them is in a way cheering for yourself too.
There's a huge difference between believing someone will fail and hoping that they will.
I need to learn from you. Also: good for you!
I was expecting an article about giving out root accounts on homelab servers!
I’m not trying to be controversial but this behavior seems to be very hard for a lot of men. I’ve noticed it a lot in my life that guys are far more willing to “circle the wagons” over petty slights, and alienate people over it. Then their ego doesn’t let them back down, and they just get more bitter from the (obvious) outcome.
I’m guilty of it myself of course, but it seems like there is some kind of naturally adversarial behavior baked into me. It literally just makes things worse is the funny thing, and I already know this. But sometimes I cant stop it. Life would be easier and better if we were all collectively friendly hypemen but alas.
I’m guilty of it myself of course, but it seems like there is some kind of naturally adversarial behavior baked into me. It literally just makes things worse is the funny thing, and I already know this. But sometimes I cant stop it. Life would be easier and better if we were all collectively friendly hypemen but alas.
You're probably not wrong. I'm lucky and most of my guy friends are happy in each other's successes. There definitely can be an under current of something though (almost feels like skepticism) sometimes.
But to be fair, I've felt that vague "skepticism" at my own successes from some of my gal pals too. But at the same time, my friend group that's mostly women will definitely gas each other up more and seemingly show more genuine interest in each other's successes and genuine sympathy in each other's setbacks.
But to be fair, I've felt that vague "skepticism" at my own successes from some of my gal pals too. But at the same time, my friend group that's mostly women will definitely gas each other up more and seemingly show more genuine interest in each other's successes and genuine sympathy in each other's setbacks.
The blinking thing after the author's name in the sidebar is terribly distracting, why make it impossible to scroll past it, or just not have this infinitely running animation? Great article otherwise.
Agree, I blocked it with uBlock
I largely agree, this is a great way to support your friends.
I would add to bias towards praise, but still be honest and judicious. People know when they hear empty words, and it's important to be trustworthy.
I would add to bias towards praise, but still be honest and judicious. People know when they hear empty words, and it's important to be trustworthy.
Yeah i only put the one line in there that talks about that:
> people who are honest to your face and praise you behind your back.
I could have emphasized that more.
I could have emphasized that more.
The way I try to do it is: if you think something nice, say it
legit thought this was about giving root priv to ur mates
I believe in this. Just don't get onto to the corporate hype train.
You are essentially your network. Laugh where you want to laugh. I think this is great advice. Anybody who is bitter of your success should not be part of your network.
"root" means something quite different as a slang term here in Australia. I head to read the title several times.
I was thinking it was about ways to securely give friends root access to your home server
Sometimes my friends are away on long business trips, naturally their wives get bored, the headline made perfect sense to me?
For anyone else wondering: https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/root#Usage_notes
[deleted]
Nothing wrong with friends that root each other too.
I’m the hype man and motivator for all my close friends…and URL friends.
The world (Internet) is VERY GOOD at telling you how much you suck and most people are susceptible to that. Having someone who believes in you helps you build confidence and drive.
I think my friends are dope af so why wouldn’t I big them up?
The world (Internet) is VERY GOOD at telling you how much you suck and most people are susceptible to that. Having someone who believes in you helps you build confidence and drive.
I think my friends are dope af so why wouldn’t I big them up?
Everybody wants you to do well, but not better than them. Jealousy is one unavoidable thing
This is probably one of the most essential bits of advice you can get. Not only is it beneficial to your friends and career, but it's also beneficial for your mental health.
It's not easy, at least initially. Jealousy is an emotion that's easy to come by and hard to dismiss. It's also an emotion that makes you unhappy, so learning to feel pride and happiness instead of jealousy made my life immeasurably better. I don't care if it's reciprocal; I do it because it's right for others and it's right for me.
It's not easy, at least initially. Jealousy is an emotion that's easy to come by and hard to dismiss. It's also an emotion that makes you unhappy, so learning to feel pride and happiness instead of jealousy made my life immeasurably better. I don't care if it's reciprocal; I do it because it's right for others and it's right for me.
I've trimmed those in my life that don't root for me, doesn't matter loudly or quietly. I've deepened relationships that I've had for 10, 20, 30 years by rooting for them, loyally and unabashedly. I've foster new friendships by rooting for them, deservedly or undeservedly. I've realized that it makes my life more fulfilling and it's given me a solid reputation as a side benefit.
THIS is a great post and wonderful tips!
I've always been the hype person for everyone I know and have subsequently been allowed to have an amazing, thriving creative career while I've seen countless jealous, desperate, scarcity minded people fall by the wayside over the years.
Just released an original animated feature film musical where I did most everything myself with help from a few friends I hype https://www.imlivingmylife.com/
I've always been the hype person for everyone I know and have subsequently been allowed to have an amazing, thriving creative career while I've seen countless jealous, desperate, scarcity minded people fall by the wayside over the years.
Just released an original animated feature film musical where I did most everything myself with help from a few friends I hype https://www.imlivingmylife.com/
That looks weird as hell. I love when people let their weirdness and creativity shine. Congrats on such a big project!
Hey thank you and I'm sorry I didn't see this comment sooner. I've been making/releasing original weird stuff for about 20 years now
> You just shipped a side‑project that lands on the front page of Hacker News. Who’s the first person you want to tell?
No one, I'd be embarrassed.
No one, I'd be embarrassed.
Ok, I'll bite. Why? You happen to have a sort of antagonistic relationship with HN?
I'm not the poster, I'm Stavros, I just wanted to see if his username was accurate. I wonder how many people have actually done this before me.
pw is a diss word, fishz?
I feel like if you don't get the password, you don't deserve access.
Well that was a fun little interaction, thanks for the entertainment!
Given what the verb "root" means here in Oz, this seems extremely friendly, although possibly unhygenic.
This recent episode of the Secular Buddhism podcast may be worth a listen. It gets into the enduring value and joy we can find in the good fortune of others.
https://secularbuddhism.com/blog/204-beyond-happiness/
https://secularbuddhism.com/blog/204-beyond-happiness/
Am I the only one who read the title and the source and thought this was about rooting devices?
+1 tho, we could use some more positivity all around. Root for your friends, family, your peers. Hell root for anyone that you have respect for. That's how you live. That's the real W.
+1 tho, we could use some more positivity all around. Root for your friends, family, your peers. Hell root for anyone that you have respect for. That's how you live. That's the real W.
I forgot for a moment what website I was on and expected the link to be about the board game Root and getting your friends to play it with you.
https://boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/237182/root
https://boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/237182/root
I thought it was about giving SSH and sudo to your friends.
I thought it was a peevish Kiwi joke about how people of other nations do not use words as they do.
I like the sentiment and appreciate when I see an OP in the comments taking feedback
I kinda had this maybe assembled in my head in an incomplete bits and pieces way but this really brought together the concept I love it.
Whoever wrote this post is really rocking with the clear human thinking.
Whoever wrote this post is really rocking with the clear human thinking.
Thank you
I’m generally happy for those around me who are achieving things and doing better for themselves.
I love people like that!!
Friends and strangers who try and aren’t quitters.
I love people like that!!
Friends and strangers who try and aren’t quitters.
Lets face it once and for all: there are no true friendships anywhere on this planet and there have never been. That's why people read studies and talk about friendships like it was a research topic of an alien species. There is only people, who give more than they get, hoping to one day get a little bit back. Don't chase something that had never been there and won't be there. Thank me later.
I’m sorry that has been your experience. The culture you’re brought up in is hardly representative for 8 billion people’s experience.
Don't talk like you don't know first hand what I am talking about if you did an honest review of what you call friendship.
I’m really sorry that someone betrayed/hurt you so much and I hope you are able to forgive them.
Don't talk like you don't know first hand what I am talking about if you did an honest review of who you call friends.
Ok, so maybe instead of friendship let’s call it platonic love.
I get your point, but we are herd animals. Today distance is bigger than ever so we are more often lonely. Some believe in gods, religions but I rather believe in people and make it a hill I’ll die on.
I get your point, but we are herd animals. Today distance is bigger than ever so we are more often lonely. Some believe in gods, religions but I rather believe in people and make it a hill I’ll die on.
We need connection with other people but due to fears we make it hard for others to connect with us. Fears that are not always justified.
Interesting that there's no word in English for this. There is one in Yiddish: fargin
Blogger says it’s better to be positive than negative. Could that be the case? Is it really so? Yes. And further. Thinking good thoughts is better than thinking bad thoughts about yourself or others. It’s also better to give meaningful feedback on projects. Than not meaningful feedback.
“This is a message that a lot of people need to hear,” says blogger.
Here’s some memes from 2012 to now.
“This is a message that a lot of people need to hear,” says blogger.
Here’s some memes from 2012 to now.
[deleted]
The most dishonest fraudulent academic researcher I even encountered made a point of encouraging collegiality, but eventually I realized this was part of his scheme for not being exposed as a fraud. Everyone in his department knew he was fudging his data, but nobody called him on it because he was such a nice guy to everyone else.
This is how you end up with systematic institutional corruption in academic departments along with a lot of non-reproducible garbage science. Thus a better strategy is to support people who do good work, regardless of whether they're your 'friends' or not.
This is how you end up with systematic institutional corruption in academic departments along with a lot of non-reproducible garbage science. Thus a better strategy is to support people who do good work, regardless of whether they're your 'friends' or not.
He could have been a fraud or not, but you might have been missing his point.
Perhaps his point was that he just genuinely liked to be a decent human being instead of rolling into work each day with an attitude of "I'm better than all of you peons, fuck you and your families, may (deity of your choice) condemn you all to death and perpetual hellfire"
I've been in a position where I shouldn't have been before. I too was kind to everyone. Whether or not I was good at my job or role has no effect on basic human decency, or holding the door, saying good morning, or not cutting someone off deliberately in the company parking lot.
There's two kinds of respect - earned, and given. People seem to not understand that, and see no reason why they shouldn't slam the door in the person behind them's face. You can be kind to everyone, it doesn't cost you anything. Give people props when they deserve it, but don't smash the homeless dude on the street's face when you walk by him - he's human too.
You should support those who do good work, and call out those who don't. But you don't have to be an asshole to them, either.
Perhaps his point was that he just genuinely liked to be a decent human being instead of rolling into work each day with an attitude of "I'm better than all of you peons, fuck you and your families, may (deity of your choice) condemn you all to death and perpetual hellfire"
I've been in a position where I shouldn't have been before. I too was kind to everyone. Whether or not I was good at my job or role has no effect on basic human decency, or holding the door, saying good morning, or not cutting someone off deliberately in the company parking lot.
There's two kinds of respect - earned, and given. People seem to not understand that, and see no reason why they shouldn't slam the door in the person behind them's face. You can be kind to everyone, it doesn't cost you anything. Give people props when they deserve it, but don't smash the homeless dude on the street's face when you walk by him - he's human too.
You should support those who do good work, and call out those who don't. But you don't have to be an asshole to them, either.
Having a partner also that roots for you makes wonders for the self esteem
I saw the link and was kinda hoping his name was Joseph T Hacker.
I have two points I want to make:
1) friends definition is vague and often based on language. In Italian or English friend is a word that could include for a single person dozens of people, in many Slavic countries you only use that word for your very best closest friends (the one you can count on one hand).
2) being a humble rooter at work has done better for me and many I know than being the star player. I'm the same person, I just give to others credit and never brag about anything. People notice, people like you, people want you around in projects, end up rooting for your advancements too.
1) friends definition is vague and often based on language. In Italian or English friend is a word that could include for a single person dozens of people, in many Slavic countries you only use that word for your very best closest friends (the one you can count on one hand).
2) being a humble rooter at work has done better for me and many I know than being the star player. I'm the same person, I just give to others credit and never brag about anything. People notice, people like you, people want you around in projects, end up rooting for your advancements too.
This feels like advice for the most basic level of empathy (support your friends) with the cherry on top of AI slop as the opener. Americans sure are something else.
Root for all around you.
"Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little."
- Gore Vidal
- Gore Vidal
And here I was cynically thinking I was going to learn how to "get root" on my friends.
Still applies I guess.
Still applies I guess.
As an Australian, "Root for your friends" has a hilariously alternate meaning.
It's easier to get root on your friends than it is to get root on your enemies, because they likely trust you. This is why a central tenent of John Le Carre narratives is "fear your friends more than your enemies."
This often plays out in the blood sport of academic politics, incidentally.
This often plays out in the blood sport of academic politics, incidentally.
I offered to give root and/or ssh to a couple of friends, and they all turned it down. I don't really have any friends anyway.
Perhaps we can parlay this title into a video game. Or simply an alternate title for Core War.
Perhaps we can parlay this title into a video game. Or simply an alternate title for Core War.
Oddly I have found that nearly all of my best friends come from different walks of life than me, and do different things for work. Only one of my very good friends does the same things that I do. Others, like my stonemason friend, have very different lives, and we met by chance. I’ve also found lately that I enjoy socializing with people over a shared activity, like a class. I just got back (today) from taking a drafting (ie, architectural drawing) class. The people in it were very different from me: a mix of tradespeople and artists. Nevertheless, it was clear that all of us shared a love of learning a skill and doing it well, and so it really was a blast. I learned a lot from them.
You might try just doing something different. It was an interesting experience spending the day with people who wanted to talk to me because I was the odd one out—none of them personally knew any programmers or computer scientists and they all had a million questions!
You might try just doing something different. It was an interesting experience spending the day with people who wanted to talk to me because I was the odd one out—none of them personally knew any programmers or computer scientists and they all had a million questions!
Somewhat related: I read the author's name as Joseph T Hacker at first instead of Joseph Thacker.
inception is a form of code execution in their brain.
Me too, reinforced by author's name :)
sudo make me a sandwich
(xkcd.com/149)
(xkcd.com/149)
[deleted]
Hey, I see these greyscale images (the one at the top of the article) quite often these days. Can you please give me the prompt?
You can get the prompt in Japan, but it costs you. There's a whole studio behind it. These people also need to eat, you see.
Get with the times. It's just virtue signaling at this point :)
Because vice signalling is so much better.
I opened it up to look at the metadata, and I'm surprised OpenAI doesn't include any information like that (I believe ComfyUI generated images do by default). All it says it's by ChatGPT.
This:
“No one comes to mind? Maybe you haven’t really trusted anyone with your wins yet.”
really, really hit me for some reason. I’m pretty averse to praise/congratulations — even if I feel it’s deserved! — so I don’t really share my wins with people. How can I expect to have people hype me up if I don’t let them in a little? It’s obvious when I write it all out but I kinda can’t believe how long I’ve been operating this way.
Anyway, great post!